True Community. Is it possible?

Ok...I can't help but put up one more Daily Reading from John Eldredge. Denise brought up the previously posted reading in Sunday School this past week. The book it was from is Captivating by John & Stasi Eldredge. (not Waking the Dead as I mistakenly said on Sunday.)

The reading below is from Waking the Dead. I stopped at my computer Saturday morning and read this as I scrolled through my e-mail. As I began to read, Clinton leaned in over my shoulder. When we finished we just turned and looked at one another, blinking, saying nothing but thinking the same things. Then I read it again today and the Holy Spirit linked this brief excerpt to our discussion on Sunday about who we trust.

How about you? What thoughts does this stir up in you? Share them when you are through reading. Don't worry if you are not a part of this Sunday School class I'm speaking of. There is enough here for you to jump in where ever you are and make this discussion more rich and interesting.

It Will Be Messy
11/03/2007

The family is…like a little kingdom, and, like most other little kingdoms, is generally in a state of something resembling anarchy.

Chesterton could have been talking about a little fellowship (our true family, because it is the Family of God). It is a royal mess. I will not whitewash this. It is disruptive. Going to church with hundreds of other people to sit and hear a sermon doesn’t ask much of you. It certainly will never expose you. That’s why most folks prefer it. Because community will. It will reveal where you have yet to become holy, right at the very moment you are so keenly aware of how they have yet to become holy. It will bring you close and you will be seen and you will be known and therein lies the power and therein lies the danger. Aren’t there moments when all those little companies, in all those stories, hang by a thread? Galadriel says to Frodo, “Your quest stands upon the edge of a knife. Stray but a little and it will fail, to the ruin of all. Yet hope remains while the Company is true.”

We’ve experienced incredible disappointments in our fellowship. We have, every last one of us, hurt one another. Sometimes deeply. Last year there was a night when Stasi and I laid out a vision for where we thought things should be going – our life-long dream for redemptive community. We hoped the Company would leap to it with loud “Hurrahs! Hurrah for John and Stasi!” Far from it. Their response was more on the level of blank stares. Our dream was mishandled – badly. Stasi was sick to her stomach; she wanted to leave the room and throw up. I was…stunned. Disappointed. I felt the dive towards a total loss of heart. The following day I could feel my heart being pulled towards resentment. It's moments like that which usually toll the beginning of the end for most attempts at community. 

(Waking The Dead ,197 )

My own thoughts are pretty much an echo of what we said on Sunday. We can know the will of our Father - to love one another. I was going to link to a verse here but here are 10 all giving the same instruction!

We can always trust Him with the love we give to others and the love we receive from others even when the object of our love lets us down. Keeping our love for Him and our love for one another in the proper focus will allow us to live in community with one another. We can expect it to be fraught with ups and downs, joys and sorrows, faithfulness and falseness, even betrayals, because we are human and we sin, mess up, wipe out. But, when our eyes are fixed on and our hearts are filled with our Saviour and the truth of His word we don't have to despair. We don't have to become cynical, resentful or despondent. When we humble ourselves toward one another, He promises to lift us up. 1 Peter 5:5-6

Your turn...

I want one of these...

...really bad!

In honor of Breast Cancer Awareness, Dyson has agreed to give away one of their Dyson Vacuum Cleaners in the Pink color. Actually, they have been sponsoring these give-aways on several sites/mommy blogs. Check out this post at The Domestic Diva Blog or click on the Dyson button in the side bar for details about this one. But hurry! It ends today.

**edit - The perky pink Dyson goes to someone called SJ.   I'll have to wait for Christmas.  A girl can dream can't she?**

Daily Reading from John Eldredge

We Find Our Tears
10/25/2007

Part of the reason women are so tired is because we are spending so much energy trying to “keep it together.” So much energy devoted to suppressing the pain and keeping a good appearance. “I’m gonna harden my heart,” sang Rindy Ross. “I’m going to swallow my tears.” A terrible, costly way to live your life. Part of this is driven by fear that the pain will overwhelm us. That we will be consumed by our sorrow. It’s an understandable fear – but it is no more true than the fear we had of the dark as children. Grief, dear sisters, is good. Grief helps to heal our hearts. Why, Jesus himself was a “man of sorrows, acquainted with grief.” (Isa. 53:3)

Let the tears come. Get alone, get to your car or your bedroom or the shower and let the tears come. Let the tears come. It is the only kind thing to do for your woundedness. Allow yourself to feel again. And feel you will – many things. Anger. That’s okay. Anger’s not a sin (Eph. 4:26). Remorse. Of course you do. Fear. Yes, that makes sense. Jesus can handle the fear as well. In fact, there is no emotion you can bring up that Jesus can’t handle. (Look at the Psalms – they are a raging sea of emotions).

Let it all out.

As Augustine wrote in his Confessions, “The tears . . . streamed down, and I let them flow as freely as they would, making of them a pillow for my heart. On them it rested.” Grief is a form of validation; it says the wound mattered. It mattered. You mattered. That’s not the way life was supposed to go. There are unwept tears down in there – the tears of a little girl who is lost and frightened. The tears of a teenage girl whose been rejected and has no place to turn. No one understands. The tears of a woman whose life has been hard and lonely and nothing close to her dreams.

Let them come.

(Captivating, 101-102)

to subscribe to these Daily Readings go to http://ransomedheart.org)

Looking for something to do?

I know at least a few of my friends/readers who would be interested in the Art Show on Main 2007 taking place this weekend. Check it out over at livingpalm's blog here .

that just bites

Clinton has his 15 year college reunion this weekend. I'll be with him. Most of these people don't know me. I have 3 very large, very red mosquito (or perhaps spider) bites above my right eyebrow. Honestly. Don't I have enough to worry about?

Refreshed

I've been thirsty lately. Spiritually thirsty.

This was crystal clear, cool water this morning.

God can do anything, you know—far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! He does it not by pushing us around but by working within us, his Spirit deeply and gently within us. - Ephesians 3:20

"...working within us..." He is so patient!

"...deeply and gently within us." He is so loving, so devoted!

All I had to do was invite Him into my life. He gave me this and so much more. Himself- His Spirit living in and through me. That takes my breath away this morning and I am renewed...refreshed.

Absent

4 kids, school starting, family and family events, traveling, etc. all have contributed to my recent absence. And, I started another blog. Actually, I moved our family site and have been maintaining it more faithfully. This was prompted by my dad's trip. The site makes it easy for far away (and not so far away) friends and family to see pics and read about the latest happenings here. And, it is easier and a bit more flexible than sending out mass e-mails. Now that it is hosted by WordPress I don't have to wait to use Clinton's Mac either! Why WordPress? Because I read some blogs powered by WordPress and like what I see. I wanted to give a try for myself. And - it is free just like Blogger.

So, I'm still here. God and I are o.k. - I just don't have the time, energy or frankly the will to put it all into writing for others to read right now. My attentions and energies are happily diverted in the direction of my family. My blogging energy is currently being channeled in the direction of our family site. I'm not posting the address in a effort to keep it more private. I want to be able to put pictures and stories about my kids on there without having to worry about the creeps that troll mommy blogs looking for kid pictures. Unfortunately, our main computer died a few weeks ago. I'm missing many e-mail addresses. So friends, if you didn't hear from me with our new family site address, please get in touch with me and I'll pass it right along.

I'll be back...promise! :)

"It's only 180 days"

"I'm so depressed. I just ate 5 cupcakes. Didn't even chew. I just swallowed them like pills."

That is a quote from one of my sweetest -and funniest- friends, Kerry. She wrote it in an e-mail to me just days before we moved. I thought of it because it pretty much describes me. If I had 5 cupcakes right now.

In about an hour my Dad will board a plane for Iraq and won't return for 6 months. The last time he went away for 6 months was during Desert Storm. I was in high school. It's been more than 15 years but I recognize the heavy knot twisting in my stomach.

A friend and I were talking about his upcoming departure and said, "I guess I didn't think about...well...guys his age having to go." That was cute. It made me realize that most people assume that if you are going to Iraq you are in the military and are probably younger. My dad is a civilian and has worked in the field of intelligence ever since he left the Army as a young man.

He didn't have to go. He wants to go. He told my girls about it in ways they could understand. "I'm going to help the soldiers and to help the war be over sooner." He is going to make a difference and I believe that he can. My dad works at things that are purposeful. He is not willing to give his time to efforts for the sake of effort alone. He demands results. I respect that.

I believe in him. I'm proud of him. It still has been so hard to say goodbye. We were with my parents, brother, sister-in-law and niece this past weekend in Virginia. We all had such a good time together. Clinton, the kids and I left Monday evening. It was so hard not to just hang on his neck and sob "Don't go!" I've been trying to figure out why I feel this way. Feel so strongly. I mean, when I was in high school, he was still the only man in my life. My daddy. Now I have a wonderfully committed, loving husband who is the only man I really need in my life.

It came to me this evening when he called one last time on his way to the airport. We talked for a minute and I made him laugh out loud. He talked to each of the girls and then we got back on for one last goodbye. The words started to stick in my throat. He did the same thing he did on my wedding day. He spoke lovingly and reassuringly through his own tears. On that day it was, "You're going to do great. You look beautiful." Today it was, "It's going to be o.k. I'll be back before you know it. It's only 180 days."

So, as I sat on my steps crying I realized how far we have come, my dad and I. In some ways I have felt closer to him. Little things like being able to make him laugh seem huge to me - as if he is finally letting me into his world that he protected so fiercely for so many years. And, watching him with my daughters has let me feel like he is a part of my life in a way I didn't experience as a child. So, all these developments in our relationship - all these warm fuzzies - and now the big empty gap. Maybe that's why it has been so difficult to say goodbye.

I'm not sure what will happen in the next 6 months but I can know that God does. He knows just how everything will go. The girls have had some sad moments since we've been back from Virginia. We just keep reminding them to pray for PopPop. To keep placing him in God's hands. We pray His protection, His strength, His will, His wisdom and His blessing over my dad.

We helped the girls make a little tribute video for my parent's anniversary. We made it with my dad's trip in mind. They each have a copy and Dad was able to take his with him.
The girls sang this at the end of the video.

The Lord bless you and keep you.
The Lord make His face shine upon you.
And give you peace, and give you peace
And give you peace forever.

Offspring Malfunction

Disclaimer - this post is a major suck-up attempt yet it is true and full of sincerity.

Yesterday was my mother's birthday. I forgot. Well, I didn't so much forget the day as I did forget to call and acknowledge the day. Thankfully my mother is gracious and loving, willing to over-look my shortcomings. She rests peacefully in the knowledge that when her children and husband forget her birthday we apologize profusely and try to make it up to her in exaggerated ways. (Yes, you read the last sentence correctly. We all forgot. I forgot. My brother forgot. My father forgot.)

Here are some things I love about my mom...

She loves and gives sacrificially

She finds delight and joy in really knowing her granddaughters

When I was young, she believed in me even when I gave her no earthly good reason to do so

Although more health-conscious ways have prevailed in our lives as of late, she and I can polish off a pan of rice-krispy treats before the end of a 1/2 hour sitcom.

She can beat us all at Tetris

She makes a mean from-scratch-cinnamon-bun and the best-I've-ever-had peach pies

She is a constant, faithful friend...one of my very best

Oh...and she forgives me when I forget her birthday

I love you, Mom...so very much. Happy be-lated Birthday!

Home again, home again...

We've been home from vacation 4 1/2 days and I was just about getting my 'reality legs' under me again until...my 7 year old woke up with a stomach bug. I had hoped to have some time to share a little more about our time away. That may have to wait. The most I've been able to do is add a reply comment under my last post.

So, I'll be back soon...

We had a great vacation. A great time with family. As hard as it was to come home I'm glad to be back now. We're looking forward to more summer fun like visits from far-away friends (and maybe some not too far away!), another week of camp for my oldest, and other celebratory gatherings with family and friends.

Thanks for visiting...I'll be back when I can put The Bucket away!

It's more than a salad dressing

We are in the beautiful Thousand Islands, NY. We'll be away for a while so I may not be posting much. Thanks to my brilliant techie husband, I do have access to the internet...but there are loads of other things to keep us busy while we are here with my folks, brother, sister-in-law, and niece.

But...while I have just a few minutes...there is something that has been turning in my mind since the women's Sunday school class this past week. Here's a bit of what we were discussing:

I Corinthians 5:9-13a (from The Message)
9-13I wrote you in my earlier letter that you shouldn't make yourselves at home among the sexually promiscuous. I didn't mean that you should have nothing at all to do with outsiders of that sort. Or with crooks, whether blue or white-collar. Or with spiritual phonies, for that matter. You'd have to leave the world entirely to do that! But I am saying that you shouldn't act as if everything is just fine when a friend who claims to be a Christian is promiscuous or crooked, is flip with God or rude to friends, gets drunk or becomes greedy and predatory. You can't just go along with this, treating it as acceptable behavior. I'm not responsible for what the outsiders do, but don't we have some responsibility for those within our community of believers? God decides on the outsiders, but we need to decide when our brothers and sisters are out of line and, if necessary, clean house.

Following discussion question: What is the difference between belonging to the world and being in the world and associating with the world?

Matthew 5:13-16 (also from The Message)
13"Let me tell you why you are here. You're here to be salt-seasoning that brings out the God-flavors of this earth. If you lose your saltiness, how will people taste godliness? You've lost your usefulness and will end up in the garbage.

14-16"Here's another way to put it: You're here to be light, bringing out the God-colors in the world. God is not a secret to be kept. We're going public with this, as public as a city on a hill. If I make you light-bearers, you don't think I'm going to hide you under a bucket, do you? I'm putting you on a light stand. Now that I've put you there on a hilltop, on a light stand—shine! Keep open house; be generous with your lives. By opening up to others, you'll prompt people to open up with God, this generous Father in heaven.

With this discussion question: If we are to be salt and light to an unbelieving world, we clearly cannot accomplish this task if we only minister within our "Christian bubble." How can we be salt and light without being of the world?"

The following, which I read in Messy Spirituality by Michael Yaconelli, kept coming to mind. So, here is yet another quote...a great story that illustrates some of what we discussed.

"In his book The Easy Yoke, Doug Webster tells a story about an idealistic college student who ended up on a mission trip to one of the more dangerous housing projects in Philadelphia. A brand-new Christian, this wide-eyed urban missionary didn't have a clue how to evangelize the inner city. Frightened and anxious to share his new faith, the young man approached a very large tenement house. Cautiously making his way through the dark, cluttered hallways, he gingerly climbed up one flight of stairs to an apartment. He knocked on the door, and a woman holding a naked, howling baby opened it. She was smoking and not in any mood to hear some white, idealistic college boy tell her about Jesus. She started cursing him and slammed the door in his face. The young man was devastated.

He walked out to the street, sat on the curb, and wept. Look at me. How in the world could someone like me think I could tell anyone about Jesus? Then he remembered that the baby was naked and the woman was smoking. The plan forming in his head didn't seem terribly spiritual but...

He ran down the street to the local market and bought a box of diapers and a pack of cigarettes. When he knocked on the door again, he showed the woman his purchases. She hesitated and then invited him in. For the rest of the day, he played with the baby and changed its diapers (even though he had never changed diapers before). When the woman offered him a cigarette, even though he didn't smoke, he smoked. He spent the entire day smoking and changing diapers. Never said a word about Jesus. Late in the afternoon, the woman asked him why he was doing all this, and finally he got to tell her everything he knew about Jesus. Took about five minutes. When he stopped talking, the woman looked at him and said softly, "Pray for me and my baby that we can make it out of here alive," so he did.

...In one frustrating afternoon, he learned about the power of sensitivity, the meaning of evangelism, the hopelessness of those who live in urban areas. He also learned that sometimes the Holy Spirit asks us to violate our convictions for a season in order to live the faith, not just talk about it. When this young man returned to college he didn't start smoking, but he did start listening to the leading of the Holy Spirit.

This sentence is so key: "He also learned that sometimes the Holy Spirit asks us to violate our convictions for a season in order to live the faith, not just talk about it." Notice he doesn't say violate God's Word - scripture...but our own convictions and "for a season."

This post has gotten quite long...much longer than I first intended so I'll just shut up about all that for now. :)

And for those of you who are not from the Northeast and/or have never heard of the Thousand Islands...it is a region of NY and Canada in and along the St. Lawrence Seaway...some cool pictures and info. can be found here. If you are really bored curious, you can read all about the origin of Thousand Island dressing here.

More from Messy...

From Chapter 7: Little Graces - The Triumph of Tiny Living

"The power of goodness is found in the tiny. Since the beginning, God has chosen the tiny over the large: David over Goliath, Gideon and his three hundred soldiers over thousands of Midianites, Elijah over the prophets of Baal, one sheep over the ninety-nine sheep. Spirituality is about doing the tiny work of God, little acts, small responses to God's presence in our lives.
....

Think what Jesus could have accomplished if he'd stayed on earth for twenty, thirty, or fifty more years. Wow, think what he could have done with all the technology available today!

Nope. Jesus showed up for a little while, did a few tiny miracles, said a few amazing words, and left.

But his few tiny acts changed the world forever. Tiny becomes huge when Jesus is involved." (emphasis added)

That was encouraging to read because I often get sucked into that "big = success = important = making a difference" thinking especially if I use the world and culture around me to measure value. As he goes on to say,

"...it is very easy to conclude that unless God is doing really big things through our lives, we're not spiritual. - Spiritual people are about tiny things, which is the fruit of their spirituality. The spiritual life is not a life of success; it is a life of faithfulness, and it's not easy."

So much of my frustration comes when I stop seeing the tiny things I do as acts of obedience and service to Him first. The dishes, the laundry, the diapers, the meals, the cleaning, the explaining, the teaching, the discipline, the appointments...in and of themselves feel small and mundane and often difficult. However they are viewed, collectively or individually, they are what He has put in front of me to do - gifted me with.

He accomplishes so much through this tiny living. When I follow His lead and trust Him, I am humbled, sharpened, pruned, strengthened, nourished, and set apart for Him. And He is lifted up - before my husband, before my kids, my friends and relations - He can show Himself faithful and loving, holy and true. If I can remember this - keep this perspective - live what I believe - He will give me great joy...no matter how tiny my living. He alone can take my tiny living and make it ripple into eternity.

Still at home

Fever status: low-grade. Home from church. I'm so thankful for our porch. Otherwise, I'd feel like a shut-in.

Some of this down-time with Abigail has allowed me to catch up on some reading...just a little. My nearly stagnated "Currently Reading" list on the side-bar finally got stirred. Last night I finished Messy Spirituality. So good. I began reading it back in March and shared my first thoughts in this post, In Good Company.

Here's some more good stuff.

"According to his critics, Jesus 'did God' all wrong. He went to the wrong places, said the wrong things, and worst of all, let just anyone into the kingdom. Jesus scandalized an intimidating, elitist, country-club religion by opening membership in the spiritual life to those who had been denied it. What made people furious was Jesus' 'irresponsible' habit of throwing open the doors of his love to the whosoevers, the just-anyones, and the not-a-chancers like you and me." - p. 47

Sounds like irrational love to me.

more tomorrow...

Not that I'm glad she's been sick...

...but, I have had a good two days with my little sicky. When she's been feverish she says things like, "Can I haf you?" with her little arms out wanting me to hold her. It hasn't all been rosy. Her fever has gotten scary-high a couple times. Then when that isn't an issue there is a LOT of whining. But, for the most part, once her fever comes down she's back to her happy-little-self. We've been reading lots...and lots. I'm all brushed up on my Frog and Toad. I'd almost forgotten about those books!

We've been singing. Rather, I've been singing - she lip-syncs. Hilarious. She has started giving me requests. Although they aren't titles. They are simply words that she wishes to be in the song. "Sing love. Sing love, Momma" So, I think of as many songs as I can that have the word love in them. And it has to come up quick in the first verse or she starts yelling over my singing, "NO, sing LOVE!"

The one that really threw me was, "Sing cwose to you." "Close to you?" Where did that come from? "Yeah, cwose to you." "But I don't think I know any songs that say 'close to you.'" Knowing perfectly well that I do know one...the Carpenters...(They long to be) Close to you. I sang it. She smiled and giggled with delight every time I sang the words 'close to you.' And, if you do all the la la la parts...that's a lot. It was worth it. This isn't, by far, the silliest thing I've done for my kids but it has me wondering what others have done in the name of pacifying a little person.

And, did you know that when you smoosh a raisin between two cheerios it looks like an itty bitty cheeseburger? Hmf....well, now you do. Who knew something so simple could make her so happy. And she's the one who said, "itz yike a cheesebooger"

Some contact with the outside world has been my only ticket to sanity. Our great neighbor, "Miss Lisa" has gone to the store for me...twice! And I've held her hostage she's stopped in to give me some adult conversation. Clinton and my mom have also thrown me some life-lines via cell service. And dumping stuff out here on my blog has helped too.

Ok...I've been posting lots more than I thought I would be so far this summer. I did say that my posts were going to be more summerish didn't I? I can't decide if I feel good, bad or indifferent about most of these posts being so...fluffy. :) Opinions?

1st week at camp a success

Abigail, 2 1/2, is sick. So, she and I missed out on the mini road-trip planned for today and tomorrow. Clinton and the other two set out this afternoon in time to make it to camp for the Friday night closing festivities. I talked with him a little while ago...Anna had a great week. So good in fact she was quite content to joyfully greet them then, aside from a few nods and toothless grins, go about the rest of the night as if they weren't there.

We are actually thrilled about this. She was so comfortable. No need to cling. There was no talk of when she would be going home. Yet, she is our biggest home-body. She appeared to be enjoying everything - soaking up every wonderful moment of her first camp experience.

Not to worry. The trio of seemingly distant relatives had plenty to occupy them. Anna's cabin-mates treated Lily (5) like a little celebrity and told Virginia "we've heard all about you." Not sure what that may have meant. Clinton was a fixture there, first as a camper then as a counselor. He knows all the directors, and Anna's counselor was in his 4th grade class during his first couple years of teaching. (Now if that doesn't make ya feel old!) Then there were friends of ours who also counseled there and their son attended this week. So, he had plenty of visiting to do!

And by now you may be wondering why I'm blogging about all of this. Well, I'm wondering too. I guess I'm just really wishing I was there and tellin' ya'll about it somehow makes me feel better.

Random

I drove my 7-year-old to camp today. For the week. Her very first time at camp. Ever. I miss her. She did great. No tears. From her...or me. I'm so thankful. She has a great counselor. I miss her. She has more than enough clothes, socks & underwear. I fully expect for most of it to come home clean...as in untouched. She was happily waving goodbye as she joined her group for Steal the Bacon. I miss her. Did I say that already?


Today the Holy Spirit led me to pray for an amazing servant of God as we visited briefly. She is growing tired. She has more than enough reasons to be weary. We cried and prayed together. Her hope is in the Lord. When she prayed, she prayed His Word - His truth back to Him and it sounded a lot like this:

Psalm 73:25-26

25 Whom have I in heaven but you?
And earth has nothing I desire besides you.

26 My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever.

I was blessed beyond words.


At home tonight I met with two more amazing women who are at the beginning of their journey with Christ. I love them. He loves them more. They are inspiring. God loves me through them. We waded through some very important, foundational issues and He blessed their perseverance by revealing His truth.

Romans 12:1-3 (The Message)

1-2 So here's what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life—your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life—and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him. Don't become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You'll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you.

3I'm speaking to you out of deep gratitude for all that God has given me, and especially as I have responsibilities in relation to you. Living then, as every one of you does, in pure grace, it's important that you not misinterpret yourselves as people who are bringing this goodness to God. No, God brings it all to you. The only accurate way to understand ourselves is by what God is and by what he does for us, not by what we are and what we do for him.

*hands in the air* I just need to PRAISE HIM for an incredible day!

Lifted Up

Our friends, Rich & Kerry, are two of our heroes.
Kerry recently put up this great post that I wanted to share.
We are lifting them up to the King as they serve Him faithfully and sacrificially. Would you join us?
Thanks!

Things I'm loving about this summer...

...and it's only been a week & 1/2!




"Tea" with Virginia










Anna riding my bike from when I was her age








Franklin Graham Festival: We took our two oldest girls. It was amazing!








The girls eating lunch outside on a play-all-day kind of day




Strawberry Shortcake...for dinner...a family tradition started by my grandparents that we plan to continue. Once during the June strawberry season we have home-made shortcake, fresh strawberries with real whipped cream...oh - and some really good vanilla ice cream too!



And then there are the things you can't quite catch a picture of like... fly-by kisses from little smudged faces, hearing a happy i-love-you as one of them scurries out the door with a snack or drink.... oh! and sleeping past 6:30!

One more...




A great neighbor who plants beautiful flowers for us to enjoy AND will come over at 2:30 a.m. to sit with my kids when I have to drive my husband to the E.R. Thanks, Lisa!



(and for the record...Clinton is o.k. now)

Summer Hours

School's out! We hurdled through the last couple weeks of school and as of 6:45 am tomorrow, summer will officially begin - at least for my girls. 6:45 because that is the time that my two oldest are usually getting up for school. And for about the first week or so I will hear, "Would we still be at school right now?" "Do you think we would be on the bus now or would we be home already?" I remember doing that. It is as if the "school-day hours" are more valuable than the rest and must be savored. At least for a while. Until the swimming, bug catching, sandbox village building, vacationing and picnicing stretch into the summer haze. And we all just forget to count the hours.

That brings me to my summer blogging hours. I tend to need quiet to write. With everyone home, my brain is often not my own. My goal is to post here about every 7-11 days or so. We'll see. I'm thinking the content of my posts may be more summerish too.

And now I'm laughing. I'm imagining someone stumbling across my blog around mid August. This being my most recent post. Thinking "that was the goal...but I guess she never made it." I say someone because I'm thinking that by then my tens of regular readers will have lost all hope of me ever posting again.

So, I will say this. If this does end up being my last post for a long while - most likely, I am still alive. Even more likely - I'm being held hostage in the back yard by 4 small, barefoot people who are covered in dirt from head to toe - daily. Send for help.

on relationship, fellowship, confession and forgiveness

I have been so refreshed and encouraged by a one-to-one discipleship guide that our church will be using. Our other pastor's wife and myself have been going through it together. The segments are titled: Assurance of Salvation, Experiencing God's Love, Holy Spirit, and Growing in Christ.

I'm one of those people who really responds to having things clearly mapped-out. Lists. This+this=this which means this. You get the picture. There is much in this study that I had learned as a young believer. But through the years I have adopted a lot of fuzzy thinking. Areas where I understood the concept but not in a way that I could articulate or support it clearly through God's word. Not that the support wasn't there...it is! I just never bothered to search for it and allow the Holy Spirit to help me put the pieces together. Here are some examples.

My relationship vs. my fellowship with God. They aren't the same thing. Yet, up to this point, I would use the word relationship to describe both! Fuzzy for me. Confusing at best for anyone in a conversation with me pertaining to this subject! My relationship with God as His daughter is completely and totally maintained by Him. (John 1:12, John 10:27-29, I Peter 1:3,4) My fellowship with God began when I accepted Him, is maintained in part by me and can change depending on me. (Colossians 2:6, Psalm 66:16-20, I John 1:9) Funny how just clearly defining two words brings things into focus.

Asking forgiveness vs. confession. They aren't the same thing either! Confession is me agreeing with God about my sin; saying the same thing God says. (I John 1:9) Forgiveness is what Christ did for me on the cross. It is already done. (Colossians 2:13,14) And if you need a 'with-skin-on-it' example of how asking for forgiveness is not the same thing as confession let me remind you of something I'm sure you have witnessed and most of us have taken part in!

Daughter #3 injures, on purpose, daughter #1.
Me to Daughter #1: "That was mean and hurtful, you need to make this right with your sister!"
Daughter #3 to Daughter #1: begrudgingly "sorry."

Did she mean it? Hardly. Did she agree that her actions where mean and hurtful? Maybe. But, as a mom I can say, she most likely was sorry that she got caught or in trouble. This sharpened view of forgiveness and confession reinforces the countless times I've asked my girls, "Why are you sorry? What did you do that was wrong? or How do you think she felt when you did that?"

On one hand it has been exciting to have God clear out the cobwebs and make these simple truths more clear to me. On the other hand, it was really humbling to sketch it out here because I feel like, "...for-goodness-sakes I should'da had a better grip on this all along!" But overall I'm thankful. Thankful that He is longsuffering toward me. Oh!...how He has patiently labored for and with me! And, being the greatest teacher, He knows that sometimes we need to hear things over and over and in different ways so that they really sink in.

Having a fresh, and more complete understanding of these foundations of my faith breathes confidence and strength into my desire to love others as God loves them.

Why my lips stayed chapped on Mother's Day

Betsy, a friend from OH and one of my favorite people, sent this to me. The author is unknown. It made me laugh OUT LOUD! So...thought I'd say "Happy Mother's Day" to you all by passing it along here.

So, we had this great 10 year old cat named Jack who just recently died. Jack was a great cat and the kids would carry him around and sit on him and nothing ever bothered him. He used to hang out and nap all day long on this mat in our bathroom.

Well we have 3 kids and at the time of this story they were 4 years old, 3 years old and 1 year old. The middle one is Eli. Eli really loves chapstick. LOVES it. He kept asking to use my chapstick and then losing it. So finally one day I showed him where in the bathroom I keep my chapstick and how he could use it whenever he wanted to but he needed to put it right back in the drawer when he was done.

Last year on Mother's Day, we were having the typical rush around and try to get ready for Church with everyone crying and carrying on. My two boys are fighting over the toy in the cereal box. I am trying to nurse my little one at the same time I am putting on my make-up. Everything is a mess and everyone has long forgotten that this is a wonderful day to honor me and the amazing job that is motherhood.

We finally have the older one and and the baby loaded in the car and I am looking for Eli. I have searched everywhere and I finally round the corner to go into the bathroom. And there was Eli. He was applying my chapstick very carefully to Jack's . . . rear end. Eli looked right into my eyes and said "chapped." Now if you have a cat, you know that he is right--their little butts do look pretty chapped. And, frankly, Jack didn't seem to mind.

And the only question to really ask at that point was whether it was the FIRST time Eli had done that to the cat's behind or the hundredth.

And THAT is my favorite Mother's Day moment ever because it reminds us that no matter how hard we try to civilize these glorious little creatures, there will always be that day when you realize they've been using your chapstick on the cat's butt.

A Surprise Valentine

The string of beautiful weather is just too much for me...I can hardly stay indoors! My guess is that some of my favorite bloggers are also giving in to the call of the breezy sunshine. I have a feeling that if I'm able to sustain this blog, there will be less posting throughout the warmer months! Having a real yard for the first time in a long time has me planning and imagining great things growing all around the house. Never mind that I can't keep a cactus - potted and sitting in my kitchen window where I see it every day - alive. I think the self-deception began as I cooed over my crocuses, daffodils, tulips and forsythia, as if I had something to do with their successful trumpeting of spring.

See...it's dark now but I'm still 'outside' chasing rabbits before saying what I sat down to say!

I was reading through a journal that I began more than 2 years ago. A friend and counselor suggested that I keep a section for "Insights & Gifts" and here is an entry.

This happened several months before I began this journal. I had been asking God to help me in my search for an intimate relationship with Him. I want to understand, believe, trust His love for me.

I was thinking/praying about this as I was in bed one night. It was dark. I had my eyes shut. As I thought and prayed I could see a small shape in the center of the blackness. My eyes stayed shut. I squeezed them shut tighter and almost laughed. I felt like a little kid. I really wanted to see what that shape was because it seemed like a....a heart. I "looked" longer and yes, that is what it was. A small white heart in the center of the darkness.

I felt a little silly but I also felt as if God had sent me that little vision as if to say, "I love you." When I told Clinton about it he said, "Oh, God sent you a valentine!" I can't say that it helped me "understand, believe, trust His love for me," but it was so evident at that moment that He loves me, lives in me and wants to communicate with me...meeting me where I am. Thank you, Jesus.

Even finding this in my journal felt like a love-note from Him tonight. I was flying solo with the 4 girls tonight. (ages 2-9 for those wondering) In the 4 hours between when he left and I had them all tucked into bed I had struggled with frustration, fatigue, and fuming fury. Through clenched teeth I hissed commands and scoldings. All the while wishing bed-time would hurry up and get here!

I'm not sure why I seemed to have No. Patience. What. So. Ever. All I know is that I felt broken. As in not working properly. In the past, when I would fail, I would feel as if God was so disappointed in me. I would think that I wouldn't blame Him for withholding at least some of His love for me. I don't think I actually thought it out...it was more just understood and then expressed in how I behaved toward Him.

Now that He has replaced my ignorance with His truth I know this isn't so. Nothing I do or don't do will change how much He loves me. And He reminded me of this as I read my journal. It was like finding a beautiful card with an equally beautiful sentiment inside sent by a friend. The kind you keep tucked away in a drawer or a box so that when you happen upon it again you can feel so loved over and over. And, flipping through my journal reminded me of where I was and where I am now. What He has done. His faithfulness. He has drawn me closer to Himself.

I will need to apologize to my kids too....It is easier to do that when I have been forgiven first by the lover of my soul.

sharing...

...some thoughts prompted on Sunday and still pondering in my heart today.

Psalm 90:14 Satisfy me [us] in the morning with your unfailing love,
that I [we] may sing for joy and be glad all my [our] days.

From my notes: ...Let God love-on me every morning. My cup will be filled and then I'm freed-up to love others who don't love me in return! We can love people who give us nothing because God give us everything!

Romans 5:5 And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.

And hope does not disappoint...I'm having to really think on this one but it is so encouraging! Sometimes I wrestle with the whole thought of God's sovereignty vs. my 'hope.' Hope sometimes doesn't feel like it matters...if I'm hoping against what God has planned in His authority...and I don't always know what He has planned! But then He leads me to these verses...

Psalm 51:10 Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.

Ezekiel 36:26-27, 36 And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. 27And I will put my Spirit within you, and cause you to walk in my statutes and be careful to obey my rules. 36Then the nations that are left all around you shall know that I am the LORD; I have rebuilt the ruined places and replanted that which was desolate. I am the LORD; I have spoken, and I will do it.

When we give ourselves to Him, He gives us His spirit and a new heart! And as we let Him fill us up (see Rom. 5:5 again!) we get a better understanding of His heart. We get in-step with Him and He rebuilds the ruined places, grows beautiful gardens where there was only desolate ground. He says, "I have spoken, and I will do it!" (Do I believe Him...and do I behave as if I believe Him?) So, my hopes begin to line up with His will...His plan...His heart. Of course, this doesn't mean much until I accept His never-fail, unconditional love for me first!

He is so faithful...God continues to show Himself faithful over and over and He doesn't have to! I just need to praise Him for that!

I'd love to hear your take on any of this...

Bloggers who make me think...

Ok...this felt a little like homework...but I did it anyway!

Here are my "5 Blogs that make me think!"

1. Tami at livingpalm. She introduced me to blogging and I wouldn't have become hooked if it weren't for her well written posts that come from deep thinking, honesty, and real gut-check writing. But don't worry, it isn't all 'heavy.' It's often humorous and informative. Hop on over and check it out!

2. My very dear friend, Kerry, shares her heart as she serves with her family in Malaysia at Rich & Kerry's Blog. I'm giving her the Thinking Blogger Award for her more recent posts where she has shared personal insights about her family's experiences while drawing strong parallels to her walk of faith. They have challenged me and really....well...made me think!

3. Zephaniah317 at God Is A Warrior is a new blogger-friend. I've appreciated his honesty. He shares what God is teaching him in a real what-you-read-is-what-you-get kind of way. His posts often get me thinking and digging into God's word.

The only reason I hesitate over the last two is because they have been given the award before and one gave the award to me! But, as I stated in my last post, I don't read very many blogs...maybe because the ones I do read are so good!

So...

4. Writer, Ann Kroeker who I know has been given the award before, makes me think in many different ways. We are both mothers with 4 kids and she has lots of good ideas for families our size. She has called her blog "zig-zaggy" and that is one of the reasons why I keep reading...something new all the time...and always very well written!

5. And last but not least - Karen Hossink at Surviving Motherhood. She has been so friendly and kindly introduced herself to me through our blogs not long ago. Her screen name is Irritable Mother. I knew right away - we are kindred spirits. I'm learning so much as she shares the ways God is making her more set-apart, more His through her mothering...and less irritable! And lest you think we are members of the Mutual Admiration Society I must say that regardless of who gave the award to me...I would still be giving this to Karen!

Award Recipients: You can go to this post at the thinking blog to read the exact origin and participation rules for the Thinking Blogger Award. If you wish, you can copy the award icon from there or from my site.

I'm excited to introduce my reader-friends to these great blogs...and great people!

Happy clicking!

Thinking Blogger Award!

Wow! I've never been nominated for anything before! Well, that isn't completely true. I think I was "nominated" to be president of an organization in college but it was more like the out-going leadership said, "uhh...there isn't anyone else who wants this position...you seem like the take-charge-sort...we nominate you." So, you guessed it, I was the reluctant leader for a year.

Ok...all that really has nothing to do with this. I guess I was just going for all-out honesty. And I can honestly say that I've not been blessed with anything such as this! Karen from Surviving Motherhood has graciously and kindly given me the Thinking Blogger Award. You can read more about that here.

There have been so many blessings that were unforeseen when I began this blog not so very long ago! I've been encouraged and stretched by much of what/who I've encountered. During the first month or so of my own blogging I was clueless about this whole mommy-blogger world that seems to be happily inhabited by so many interesting and funny women. I stumbled upon one...then clicked on another...which led to another. I've not been able to continue reading very many. For me, blogging and reading blogs needs to stay second...third...fourth...eleventh in our family of 6. So, I will do my best to fulfill my duty and nominate 5 other blogs that I've visited more than once, that make me think! But for now, I will just say thank you again, Karen. It was a huge bright spot in my week!

For those of you who may be new to my blog...(there may be a couple new faces due to Karen's recognition and then there was my friend, HipGranny, who had me announce my address in Sunday School this past week! All those in support of HipGranny beginning a blog too - say so in the comments! I know she is on the edge...she just needs a little shove!)

....It is a place for me to dump out, in a more public and interactive way, some of what God is teaching me and how He is changing me. His irrational love for me and His call for me to love others irrationally has been at the root of His teaching and pruning in my life over the last few years. Hence the name and the direction of my blog. However, I reserve the right to take a rabbit trail every once in a while and if you read back through my posts/archives, you'll find a few of those. Comments are very welcome and you can comment on old posts too because I'll get a little e-mail alert telling me to go look!

Thanks to my tens of readers for stopping by once again and to any fresh faces - please come walk along with me again as you are able!

pointing in the right direction

I've been struggling with some circumstances lately and in turn struggling with someone who is attached to those circumstances. It is nothing I would want to or could post about here. And, even if I did, I wouldn't be pointing in the right direction. I would be pointing to my circumstances rather than the One who is in control of them - the One I am to respond to with honor.

My new friend, Karen/irritable mother, from Surviving Motherhood left me an encouraging comment on the last post. Here was what she shared with me: Being Real

The whole post was helpful to me but the very last statement is what the Holy Spirit has been posting on the billboards in my head ever since I read it, "...I can be an encourager. I don’t need to point to my circumstance. I can point to Jesus!!!"

Then the topic in Sunday school this past week built on this for me. That is what I hope to share more about sooner rather than much later. The questions He keeps asking me are "How are you going to respond to Me - show others Me in you - how will My Name be glorified through all of this?"

"...All of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, because,

'God opposes the proud

but gives grace to the humble.'

Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that He may lift you up in due time." - I Peter 5:5b-6 NIV(click for multiple translations)


I want God fighting for me...not opposing me!

Oh, and...

Ann Kroeker's "zig-zaggy" blog offered this quirky & interesting post today.
(this post belongs at the end of the previous one...)

...busier than a one-armed paper-hanger

The last 8 days have been quite eventful for me. I won't even begin to go into detail...all that combined with my wordiness would be too much for me to inflict on anyone.

I *will* say that I spent a lot of time with my grandparents, a lot of time at the hospital with them, and not a lot of time sleeping. Everyone is doing much better now...my grandmother is still recovering but is at home and under my mom's care. We are getting 'caught-up' around the house now too...slowly.

One of my grandfather's common expressions when observing a very busy person is...."You must be busier than a one-armed paper-hanger!" I heard that often during my time with them recently. It always made me smile...especially when he would say it to a busy nurse or lab technician. They would slow for a second to re-think the comment then break into a big smile as they got it and usually agreed.

Anyway, that is how much of this week has felt. My brain has been doing some deep thinking. My heart has done some grieving and searching. But my body is weary and nothing really seems to be in the shape or form to pour out here yet. Even so, I've chuckled a few times at some other blogs this week. I'll pass them along for your enjoyment and as something to fill the screen until my brain, heart and fingers all begin working together again.

Fiddledeedee over at It Could'a Been Worse tells about finding A Tasty Treat

Shannon, from Rocks In My Dryer, ... can't seem to escape the potty humor.

Amanda Moore from The LPM Blog shared some kid's funny and/or profound statements posted by their readers. This one made me laugh-out-loud:
(you can read the rest by going here)

My daughter loves to sing...and loudly! The problem is that she doesn't always get the words right. I recall one particular Sunday morning during praise and worship time we were singing "He is Exalted". Sarah was 3 at the time, so everyone in front of us was listening to her, as most people do when young children are not afraid to "perform". She was listening closely for the right time to come in, and when that time came she belted out "He is a Sausage, the King is a Sausage..." Oh yeah, I wanted to crawl right under the pew! We all had a good laugh that morning!

With that, I will say goodnight to all you other one-armed paper-hangers out there.

...as He has loved me

Thanks so much for all the interaction concerning the last post! What a blessing to watch God connect us and maybe even ruffle our feathers a bit. I'll admit it is a bit scary but mostly exciting and challenging.

Clinton and I have been talking more about these things throughout this week. I was reminded of the following from Donald Miller's Blue Like Jazz.

"I know a lot of people will not listen to the words of Christ because people like me, who know Him, carry our own agendas into the conversation rather than just relaying the message Christ wanted to get across."

But this really wasn't the point of the last post. I wrote a bit hastily, it was definitely 'beta'; unedited and mildly censored.

What I was really trying to communicate was how quickly and easily God exposed me in this area of loving others as He loves them. All it took was for me to hear the few sentences that encapsulated this issue between the church and the school. I heard and then reacted. My first response was not of love - it was anger, frustration, how-could-they and what-scripture-was-that-decision-based-on?!

But, it didn't take long for the Holy Spirit to speak to my heart and remind me that all I can do is walk closely with Him so that my response to anything can be more like His. To those who don't know Him, I am to reach out in a loving way that they can understand. To those who do know Him, I am to love as a brother or sister. And, we are only instructed to confront the sin of another believer, so that they can be restored in their relationship with God, not the unbeliever. In the case of the church ending support of the school...I'm assuming this would fall in the category of believers...but that is a whole other post!

Bottom line for me...Follow Christ's basic command to love others as He has loved me - let my obedience and belief in God change my life. every. single. day. And, He promises to take care of the rest. Only He has the power to change hearts.

Some of my earlier posts were used to sort out my understanding of God's irrational love for me. I had originally intended to go through a natural progression; God's love for me, my love for Him and in turn, my love for others. The topic of the last post sort of fast-forwarded my thinking a bit. So, I'll let the Holy Spirit decide where I go from here. All I know is, at least for me, there is so much more to discover as God continues to pour out His lavish love over me. Thanks for coming along on the journey.

irrational?...love?

Often when the idea of irrational love comes up among christians, the concept often is applied to loving people that we consider very "other." Yes, we need to love and reach out in love to anyone trapped in or running toward sin but what about those who, for the most part, look-like-talk-like-act-like-us?

I just heard through the grapevine that a church I once attended is pulling it's support of a Christian school in their area. Why? Because the school has a band...and they have been playing at some charismatic churches.

Once I was able to get through the initial wave of nausea and anger, I thought, "I'm called to love those people just as irrationally as anyone else." Sometimes, like in this case, that feels hard to do and I recognize a strong lack of desire even! Yet, I'm called to irrationally love these people who have made such an irrational and unloving decision. Maybe it feels harder to love because I'm a sister to these people and from the "world's" point of view we are all the same! And I want to scream, "But that isn't me!! And I don't believe that Christ would respond that way either!"

Just had to get that out....thanks!

I'll be back...

Thanks to a good friend for "ahem....I keep checking your blog...."

I've spent almost no time on the computer since last week!

Sunday - Monday: Clinton and I went to a concert in Wilkes-Barre and spent the night and next day there. We had a GREAT time by the way and we are so thankful to the 7 people who helped us with our 4 kids while we were gone!

Tuesday: Major catch-up day, painted a dresser for Lily's "new" room, started getting ready for in-laws visit this weekend...'nuff said.

Wednesday: Clinton, Abigail and I were the "helpers" at Lily's pre-school and took a birthday treat for the snack, lunch with my mom and grandparents then shopping for stuff for Lily's room. ....Lily has deemed this her birthday WEEK!

Thursday: The big day...Lily turns 5! We finished her room...those finishing touches take forever!...and surprised her with it after her birthday dinner of homemade pizza. She loved it!

Today: Lily's room looks great...the rest of my house is another story. Clinton's folks will be here this evening and stay for the weekend. They are giving us their piano - bringing it this trip.
4 little girls...a new piano in the house...note to self: add ear-plugs to shopping list

There you have it...I'll be back sometime next week! In the mean-time here's what God and I have been talking about: His holiness...His 'otherness' and my need for His heart and will to be mine...yes, I am needy...and not ashamed!

link-love

Please read this post from livingpalm's blog! It moved me...gave me a sob in my throat. It goes right along with things I've been thinking and praying about - people, relationships & my relationship with the One who can fill me completely - and it ties into what some of us have been discussing/thinking on from last week's Sunday School class-dvd.

"For a woman to enjoy relationship, she must repent of her need to control and her insistence that people fill her." - Something I stumble over regularly...when I detect it in my own life and those close to me. Not stumble as in "happen-upon"...stumble as in catch-my-foot-in-it-and-fall-on-my-face in a puddle of self-loathing or bitter-frustration with another.

"...being safe and secure in her relationship with her Lord, she can risk being vulnerable with others and offer her true self." - That is what I want...that is what I am seeking...and finding! This is exciting and scary at the same time. Because, in so doing, we are free to love. Denise said the same thing yesterday in S.S. The thought was, when we give Him everything, especially our insecurity, we become secure in Him and we are "free to love." And, I have witnessed that in her life! Thank you, Denise!

"To love at all is to be vulnerable." - This is the scary part for me...scary because I feel like I've only been "practicing" at it...maybe not really loving in a way that leaves me vulnerable outside of my husband and my kids. Ultimately, that is just a selfish-love. Doing it His way doesn't seem so scary anymore and I can see where I have stepped out in faith to love a few in my life this way. He never has failed me. So why in the world can't I just get this!
I know I know...wait...keep going to Him...keep seeking Him with my whole heart and stop leaning on what I think I know. (Prov. 3:5-6)

Anyone else on this journey with me? Weigh-in and encourage with your thoughts, struggles, victories, insights.

To Blog or Not to Blog...and other ponderings

My dear wire-head-husband pointed me to 9 Lessons for Would-be Bloggers by Joshua Porter. I got so much out of it I thought I would share. Some of what I read gave me a boost of confirmation and so much more taught me something such as:

"Everything is beta....If my blog is my beta (the blog itself is not beta…it’s the thoughts that are beta), then it becomes a place for trying out ideas and refining them."

It has great content for current bloggers and all you I've-thought-about-it/soon-to-be-blogger/ Jen-really-wants-you-to-blog types. And especially you but-it-seems-so-scary types! (And at this moment I'm thinking of a friend whose name rhymes with Menise Doore!...but don't think that lets Fanna Herris or Lmy Aogsdon off the hook!) I even would have found this article helpful when I was just a long-time-reader-of-blogs.

Let me know if you check it out and please share any thoughts/learnings!
*Added* - From my experience, commenting is the first step toward blogging. And to check out the article, click on it's title in the first sentence.

laugh-out-loud-ridiculous!

Ok...this is just a silly break-from-the-norm.

I was tooling along in my husband's little green car the other night...just me! I was hunting for a radio station that would come in well and found one of the Country persuasion. It's been a while since I've listened to country...I thought, "this'll do."

The first song had, as actual lyrics, "happy-meal" and "nuggets." I rolled my eyes and thought, "I've been away so long - they have run out of "real" lyrics!" Actually, the song had a sweet sentiment and a cute part about asking God for help. So, what seemed to start out ridiculously ended well.

Second song...it was was Brad Paisley. From my experience with country music, he is known for some of his humorous-tongue-in-cheek songs. This seems to be one of those. The whole song had me wide-eyed and wide-mouthed with...uh...astonishment...in a did-he-just-say-that? sort of way but here's the part where I laughed out loud.

I'd like to see you out in the moonlight
I'd like to kiss you - way back in the sticks
I'd like to walk you - through a field of wild flowers
And I'd like to check you for ticks

...And I'd like to check you for ticks. There is just so much I could say...but I won't.

In Good Company

Some days I feel like I'm just too far gone...too mired in my own sin and selfishness to be any good. And, if I were God I would have given up on me a long time ago and I certainly wouldn't waste time trying to show me love. This "stinkin' thinkin'" is accentuated when I allow myself to view the followers of God described in the Bible as holier-than-thou-goodie-two-shoes types. Even though I've read for myself the contrary.

Some examples?

In the Old Testament: Noah - drunk & naked; Moses - rage & murder; Abraham & Sarah - liar liar; David - adultery & murder ---most of these things are detestable, even by today's standards!

In the New Testament Jesus loved and was followed by disciples who displayed in-fighting, selfishness, malice, unbelief, betrayal etc. etc. Others who jump out at me...the woman at the well & the woman caught in the act of adultery.


These were all real people like me...like you. They had their strengths, weaknesses and a desire to know and love God. Some lived in miserable circumstances, some made terrible choices, stepped in a lot of messes and some seem hopeless when you really examine their stories; but they were never beyond the forgiveness and love God offers.

My sin doesn't frighten Him. In the book I'm currently reading, Messy Spirituality, Michael Yaconelli puts these thoughts into words so well.

"Jesus is not repelled by us, no matter how messy we are, regardless of how incomplete we are. When we recognize that Jesus is not discouraged by our humanity, is not turned off by our messiness, and simply doggedly pursues us in the face of it all, what else can we do but give in to his outrageous, indiscriminate love?...

...We are a mess. None of us is who we appear to be. We all have secrets. We all have issues. We all struggle from time to time. No one is perfect. Not one. (I have just paraphrased Romans 3:10.) The essence of messy spirituality is the refusal to pretend, to lie, or to allow others to believe we are something we are not. Unfortunately, people can handle the most difficult issues more easily than they can handle the lack of pretending....

When we seek God, Jesus begins to take shape in our lives. He begins a good work in us, he starts changing us, but the finishing process is a more-than-a-lifetime process. The work of God in our lives will never be finished until we meet Jesus face to face. The author of Hebrews wrote, 'Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter [or finisher] of our faith.' Spirituality isn't about being finished and perfect; spirituality is about trusting God in our unfinishedness."

God's irrational love for me is starting to take on a shape I can recognize. I can believe it and trust it even while I still don't completely understand it. And a good friend said to me today at our Prayer Group, "...and you probably never will until you see Him."

Comment Troubles

The word in Bloggerville is that people are having a frustrating time getting comments posted. I'm still so green that I don't really know how to help except to pass on what I have "heard." Be patient because you may have to re-type the word verification a few times. Make sure you see the "your comment has been saved" at the top of the page. Slapping the keyboard has been rumored to work but I only can confirm that shouting at the screen doesn't.
You can always shoot me an e-mail if all else fails!

Days gone...

Wanna know what I've been up to for the past couple days?
Here ya go...sick days

sub-pits

I feel like I can't get out of Psalm 18...but I don't really want to leave. It is so interesting to me, especially as I try to hear it personally. The poetic descriptions of God and His power are...well, powerful! This past Saturday I attended a Beth Moore simulcast conference and she spoke primarily from this chapter. God has been revealing to me more and more of Himself through this passage since then.

These are some of the verses I've been chewing on for the past few days...

Psalm 18:3-6

3 I call to the LORD, who is worthy of praise,
and I am saved from my enemies.

4 The cords of death entangled me;
the torrents of destruction overwhelmed me.

5 The cords of the grave coiled around me;
the snares of death confronted me.

6 In my distress I called to the LORD;
I cried to my God for help.
From his temple he heard my voice;
my cry came before him, into his ears.

Psalm 18:16-19

16 He reached down from on high and took hold of me;
he drew me out of deep waters.

17 He rescued me from my powerful enemy,
from my foes, who were too strong for me.

18 They confronted me in the day of my disaster,
but the LORD was my support.

19 He brought me out into a spacious place;
he rescued me because he delighted in me.

I may not call my struggles, bouts of depression, sin, poor choices, disappointing or devastating circumstances the "cords of death" or "cords of the grave" but that is what they are. Anything that tries to/succeeds to wrap itself around me, drag me down, trap me and keep me stuck...buried even...is a cord of death around me.

That is such a vivid picture for me when I imagine cords constraining, constricting; as Beth said, "the tighter our space becomes." But, through His deliverance, He brings me into a "spacious place!" His way sets us free! (vs. 16-19)

Ok...I know this...now what am I going to do about it...what does this look like for me...right here, right now in my dirty kitchen, laundry flooded living room, and crumb covered floors?
I'm still trying to figure out what it looks like for my God to scatter my enemies, rescue me from my greedy enemy. What will it look like as He reaches down, takes hold of me, draws me out and sets me on solid ground, giving me an open field to run in?

He has given me a taste of this in the past. I've been in deeper pits...and I've been freed from them...but sometimes I wonder, have I just crawled back to one...maybe a more shallow one but still an entangling hole? Or does my pit have "sub-pits!" I wish I could draw a picture of what I see in my mind right now. I reach up with my weak arm, allow Him to take hold of it with His strong arm and begin lifting me out. But then, as I emerge from that pit, I look around and think, "ok...this looks better...whew!...I'll just let go here." So, I'm out of a pit but not out of the "pits" yet. :) Now I'm beginning to see the bright spot at the top...smell the fresh air and feel the coolness of life truly released from the pit. I want that!

How about you? Any thoughts on your "cords of death" that Satan wants to use to bury you alive and keep you from a life-changing-joy-giving-strength-filling God? I'm thinking that for most of us those cords are things that at first glance don't appear to be a "big deal."

What about being brought out into a "spacious place"...anyone care to share?

Feeding on this verse...

He brought me out into a spacious place;
he rescued me because he delighted in me.

-Psalm 18:19 NIV

more soon...

Really!?

This makes the fourth time I have attempted to post an entry this evening. I begin...get a sentence out-maybe four...then I delete them...then start again...wash, rinse, repeat.

I think it is because I'm so overwhelmed. God has been showing me Himself...revealing His love, His purpose and very little of His plan to me.

God thinks about us...really! "How precious are your thoughts about me, O God...." (Psalm 139:17-18) He (the God of the universe and saviour of us all) thinks about me (one of billions of people who spends much of her time focused on her own needs/wants/desires)

I have "known" this for quite some time...but have I believed it? I can know something but if I really, truly believe - it should change the way I think and behave. I have spent so much of my life feeling like I couldn't be loved unless ______ . And so many things could fill that blank.

The truth of the matter is, He loved me before I had anything to offer, before I even knew He existed He "...watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb. [He] saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in [His] book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed." (Psalm 139:15-16)

Not only does He love me, but He has a purpose and a plan for fulfilling that purpose...He wrote it down. Amazing. I could just go on and on...and I probably will next time.

Again, I know/have known some of this for so long but He is showing me that I have not completely believed. I'm so thankful that He is letting this wash over me - fresh and new. His patience is staggering and His careful-thoughtful persistence is unmistakable.

"Open" love-letter

Still speaking of love, 13 years ago today my husband asked me to stay with him for the rest of our lives. I had no clue what "the rest of our lives" really meant (and I know we have only scratched the surface!) and I certainly didn't spend much time thinking, "What will our lives look like 13 years from now?...how will our love have grown?" I mostly remember the floating feeling, staring at my ring until I fell asleep and formulating my case to my parents as to why getting married 3 months before my college graduation "just made sense!"

6 vehicles, 5 moves, 4 new human beings, 3 states, 2 cats & 1 new house later...here we are...still in love...more in love.

I can't speak for Clinton, but I didn't get what I signed up for.

He is more faithful, more loving, more honest, more supportive, more compassionate, more unselfish than I ever would have imagined. Some of these things I simply could not know because we hadn't gone through trials and testing together. But as the events of our life together have unfolded, he continues to amaze me. He rises to a standard far higher than one I could set. Because of a relationship that was established about 15 years before I married him, he reaches toward a higher goal, he reaches out to Christ who is the reason Clinton is who he is today...and why he can love me irrationally!

On our wedding day, 1 year-1 month-5 days after our engagement, I sang these words to Clinton.

"I see Jesus in your eyes and it makes me love you.
I feel Jesus in your touch and I know He cares.
I hear Jesus in your voice and it makes me listen.
And I trust you with my love because your His.
I see Him, I see Him in you."

I still see, feel, hear and trust...

Thanks for reading and sharing one of the joys of my heart!


Until the snow clears...
love,
me

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Love you,
Jen

In over my head?

I had been wishing for some alone-time but it keeps coming as a result of illness. I’m done wishing. But for now, I will take this opportunity which my sinus infection has afforded me and make the most of my aloneness.

Humidifier billowing, dwindling box of tissues on one side and an ever growing pile of waded tissues on the other, I sit here in bed. Clinton took all the girls to church so, except for the pain pulsing through my head and sinuses, it is relatively quiet here.

I so want to write about God's great love for me. Should I be posting about something that I still can't wrap my brain around? It feels elusive and hard to understand even as I read, "How priceless is your unfailing love...." or "This is how God showed His love for us: God sent His only Son into the world so we might live through Him."

Ann Kroeker in her book The Contemplative Mom puts my heart into words.

"God lovingly placed you on this earth and gave you new life in Christ in anticipation of relationship. You are His child, His friend, His beloved companion....He is ready and willing--eager, even--to relate to you on an everyday, personal level. The problem I see most often in my own life is not that I need to be convinced of this truth, but that I need to be reminded of it--reminded of it so that I can act on it and consequently interact with God. I suspect that most of us, while we're busy scraping dried pancake batter blobs off the kitchen counter, need to be reminded that Christ is with us. We don't forget the truth; we forget to live the truth."

"We don't forget the truth; we forget to live the truth." - That is so me.

The fact that He has rescued me tells me that He loves me. The way he rescued me tells me that He loves me. His desire to relate to me tells me that He loves me. The fact that I am a stinking, rotten, selfish sinner and He extends His love and grace to me anyway tells me that He loves me. Ok...I get it. He loves me. I'm so thankful that, when I am watching and really paying attention (and sometimes when I'm not), I can touch, see and feel reminders of this love every single day.

Anyone else ever wrestle to get this...want so much to have this stamped on your soul?

More next time...

the first step

My title -
I want my life to be a continual process, a journey that leads my heart to transformation: a transformation that reveals God's heart - the heart of Christ who walked the earth and now waits for me in heaven. It seems that, at least for the last several years, God's transforming work in me has to do with love. His love for me and my love for others. His love for me is radical, passionate…irrational. Because of this, my love for others can be irrational. I hope to flesh this out in the posts ahead.

The description under the title is a quote by Nancy Heche. Recently God used her book, The Truth Comes Out to point out, with laser sharpness, the transforming work He has been and is continuing to do in my heart.

Thanks for coming along on this journey with me. I look forward to your comments as we travel.

Until next time,
Jen