"It's only 180 days"

"I'm so depressed. I just ate 5 cupcakes. Didn't even chew. I just swallowed them like pills."

That is a quote from one of my sweetest -and funniest- friends, Kerry. She wrote it in an e-mail to me just days before we moved. I thought of it because it pretty much describes me. If I had 5 cupcakes right now.

In about an hour my Dad will board a plane for Iraq and won't return for 6 months. The last time he went away for 6 months was during Desert Storm. I was in high school. It's been more than 15 years but I recognize the heavy knot twisting in my stomach.

A friend and I were talking about his upcoming departure and said, "I guess I didn't think about...well...guys his age having to go." That was cute. It made me realize that most people assume that if you are going to Iraq you are in the military and are probably younger. My dad is a civilian and has worked in the field of intelligence ever since he left the Army as a young man.

He didn't have to go. He wants to go. He told my girls about it in ways they could understand. "I'm going to help the soldiers and to help the war be over sooner." He is going to make a difference and I believe that he can. My dad works at things that are purposeful. He is not willing to give his time to efforts for the sake of effort alone. He demands results. I respect that.

I believe in him. I'm proud of him. It still has been so hard to say goodbye. We were with my parents, brother, sister-in-law and niece this past weekend in Virginia. We all had such a good time together. Clinton, the kids and I left Monday evening. It was so hard not to just hang on his neck and sob "Don't go!" I've been trying to figure out why I feel this way. Feel so strongly. I mean, when I was in high school, he was still the only man in my life. My daddy. Now I have a wonderfully committed, loving husband who is the only man I really need in my life.

It came to me this evening when he called one last time on his way to the airport. We talked for a minute and I made him laugh out loud. He talked to each of the girls and then we got back on for one last goodbye. The words started to stick in my throat. He did the same thing he did on my wedding day. He spoke lovingly and reassuringly through his own tears. On that day it was, "You're going to do great. You look beautiful." Today it was, "It's going to be o.k. I'll be back before you know it. It's only 180 days."

So, as I sat on my steps crying I realized how far we have come, my dad and I. In some ways I have felt closer to him. Little things like being able to make him laugh seem huge to me - as if he is finally letting me into his world that he protected so fiercely for so many years. And, watching him with my daughters has let me feel like he is a part of my life in a way I didn't experience as a child. So, all these developments in our relationship - all these warm fuzzies - and now the big empty gap. Maybe that's why it has been so difficult to say goodbye.

I'm not sure what will happen in the next 6 months but I can know that God does. He knows just how everything will go. The girls have had some sad moments since we've been back from Virginia. We just keep reminding them to pray for PopPop. To keep placing him in God's hands. We pray His protection, His strength, His will, His wisdom and His blessing over my dad.

We helped the girls make a little tribute video for my parent's anniversary. We made it with my dad's trip in mind. They each have a copy and Dad was able to take his with him.
The girls sang this at the end of the video.

The Lord bless you and keep you.
The Lord make His face shine upon you.
And give you peace, and give you peace
And give you peace forever.