A Surprise Valentine

The string of beautiful weather is just too much for me...I can hardly stay indoors! My guess is that some of my favorite bloggers are also giving in to the call of the breezy sunshine. I have a feeling that if I'm able to sustain this blog, there will be less posting throughout the warmer months! Having a real yard for the first time in a long time has me planning and imagining great things growing all around the house. Never mind that I can't keep a cactus - potted and sitting in my kitchen window where I see it every day - alive. I think the self-deception began as I cooed over my crocuses, daffodils, tulips and forsythia, as if I had something to do with their successful trumpeting of spring.

See...it's dark now but I'm still 'outside' chasing rabbits before saying what I sat down to say!

I was reading through a journal that I began more than 2 years ago. A friend and counselor suggested that I keep a section for "Insights & Gifts" and here is an entry.

This happened several months before I began this journal. I had been asking God to help me in my search for an intimate relationship with Him. I want to understand, believe, trust His love for me.

I was thinking/praying about this as I was in bed one night. It was dark. I had my eyes shut. As I thought and prayed I could see a small shape in the center of the blackness. My eyes stayed shut. I squeezed them shut tighter and almost laughed. I felt like a little kid. I really wanted to see what that shape was because it seemed like a....a heart. I "looked" longer and yes, that is what it was. A small white heart in the center of the darkness.

I felt a little silly but I also felt as if God had sent me that little vision as if to say, "I love you." When I told Clinton about it he said, "Oh, God sent you a valentine!" I can't say that it helped me "understand, believe, trust His love for me," but it was so evident at that moment that He loves me, lives in me and wants to communicate with me...meeting me where I am. Thank you, Jesus.

Even finding this in my journal felt like a love-note from Him tonight. I was flying solo with the 4 girls tonight. (ages 2-9 for those wondering) In the 4 hours between when he left and I had them all tucked into bed I had struggled with frustration, fatigue, and fuming fury. Through clenched teeth I hissed commands and scoldings. All the while wishing bed-time would hurry up and get here!

I'm not sure why I seemed to have No. Patience. What. So. Ever. All I know is that I felt broken. As in not working properly. In the past, when I would fail, I would feel as if God was so disappointed in me. I would think that I wouldn't blame Him for withholding at least some of His love for me. I don't think I actually thought it out...it was more just understood and then expressed in how I behaved toward Him.

Now that He has replaced my ignorance with His truth I know this isn't so. Nothing I do or don't do will change how much He loves me. And He reminded me of this as I read my journal. It was like finding a beautiful card with an equally beautiful sentiment inside sent by a friend. The kind you keep tucked away in a drawer or a box so that when you happen upon it again you can feel so loved over and over. And, flipping through my journal reminded me of where I was and where I am now. What He has done. His faithfulness. He has drawn me closer to Himself.

I will need to apologize to my kids too....It is easier to do that when I have been forgiven first by the lover of my soul.