Randomishness

• Offspring.
  Directions: Wash. Rinse. Repeat.
  Applications: Endless. The most obvious is their grubby little spring-is-here-lets-roll-in-the-dirt physical bodies. But it seems, at least to me, to apply to so many other areas. Their roller-coaster emotions. Their mental I'm-10, 8, 6 or 3-and-I've-arrived attitudes. And their curious spiritual beings.
  Indications: I'm tired.
  

• I teach a scrapbooking class for high-school students. I shared some family albums with them this week. A few of the girls told me I looked like Catherine Zeta-Jones. Ok. So the pictures were from like 10+ years ago. But I'm gonna hold onto to Catherine for a little while because I coulda' swore that Russell Crowe was looking back at me from my bathroom mirror this morning.

• Some things I'm thankful for and/or blessed by right at this moment.
  
  1. A day spent with a friend. We are deepening our friendship and our understanding of God together. We are unalike and very alike. This journey is a little scary but promises to be exciting. It felt like God hugged us today.
  2. The AMAZING, BRILLIANTLY BEAUTIFUL, SUNSHINY DAY!
  3. Oh. And coffee.
     

pointing in the right direction...again

I spent some time tonight reading through some old posts. When I came to this one I immediately thought about another circumstance that I've been struggling with over the past 2 weeks. I really needed this reminder about how to deal with this present circumstance and cast of characters.

The following was originally posted on April 18, '07.

I've been struggling with some circumstances lately and in turn struggling with someone who is attached to those circumstances. It is nothing I would want to or could post about here. And, even if I did, I wouldn't be pointing in the right direction. I would be pointing to my circumstances rather than the One who is in control of them - the One I am to respond to with honor.

My new friend, Karen/irritable mother, from Surviving Motherhood left me an encouraging comment on the last post. Here was what she shared with me: Being Real

The whole post was helpful to me but the very last statement is what the Holy Spirit has been posting on the billboards in my head ever since I read it, "...I can be an encourager. I don’t need to point to my circumstance. I can point to Jesus!!!"

Then the topic in Sunday school this past week built on this for me. That is what I hope to share more about sooner rather than much later. The questions He keeps asking me are "How are you going to respond to Me - show others Me in you - how will My Name be glorified through all of this?"

"...All of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, because,

'God opposes the proud

but gives grace to the humble.'

Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that He may lift you up in due time." - I Peter 5:5b-6 NIV(click for multiple translations)


I want God fighting for me...not opposing me!

Daily Reading from John Eldredge

We Find Our Tears
10/25/2007

Part of the reason women are so tired is because we are spending so much energy trying to “keep it together.” So much energy devoted to suppressing the pain and keeping a good appearance. “I’m gonna harden my heart,” sang Rindy Ross. “I’m going to swallow my tears.” A terrible, costly way to live your life. Part of this is driven by fear that the pain will overwhelm us. That we will be consumed by our sorrow. It’s an understandable fear – but it is no more true than the fear we had of the dark as children. Grief, dear sisters, is good. Grief helps to heal our hearts. Why, Jesus himself was a “man of sorrows, acquainted with grief.” (Isa. 53:3)

Let the tears come. Get alone, get to your car or your bedroom or the shower and let the tears come. Let the tears come. It is the only kind thing to do for your woundedness. Allow yourself to feel again. And feel you will – many things. Anger. That’s okay. Anger’s not a sin (Eph. 4:26). Remorse. Of course you do. Fear. Yes, that makes sense. Jesus can handle the fear as well. In fact, there is no emotion you can bring up that Jesus can’t handle. (Look at the Psalms – they are a raging sea of emotions).

Let it all out.

As Augustine wrote in his Confessions, “The tears . . . streamed down, and I let them flow as freely as they would, making of them a pillow for my heart. On them it rested.” Grief is a form of validation; it says the wound mattered. It mattered. You mattered. That’s not the way life was supposed to go. There are unwept tears down in there – the tears of a little girl who is lost and frightened. The tears of a teenage girl whose been rejected and has no place to turn. No one understands. The tears of a woman whose life has been hard and lonely and nothing close to her dreams.

Let them come.

(Captivating, 101-102)

to subscribe to these Daily Readings go to http://ransomedheart.org)

Refreshed

I've been thirsty lately. Spiritually thirsty.

This was crystal clear, cool water this morning.

God can do anything, you know—far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! He does it not by pushing us around but by working within us, his Spirit deeply and gently within us. - Ephesians 3:20

"...working within us..." He is so patient!

"...deeply and gently within us." He is so loving, so devoted!

All I had to do was invite Him into my life. He gave me this and so much more. Himself- His Spirit living in and through me. That takes my breath away this morning and I am renewed...refreshed.

It's more than a salad dressing

We are in the beautiful Thousand Islands, NY. We'll be away for a while so I may not be posting much. Thanks to my brilliant techie husband, I do have access to the internet...but there are loads of other things to keep us busy while we are here with my folks, brother, sister-in-law, and niece.

But...while I have just a few minutes...there is something that has been turning in my mind since the women's Sunday school class this past week. Here's a bit of what we were discussing:

I Corinthians 5:9-13a (from The Message)
9-13I wrote you in my earlier letter that you shouldn't make yourselves at home among the sexually promiscuous. I didn't mean that you should have nothing at all to do with outsiders of that sort. Or with crooks, whether blue or white-collar. Or with spiritual phonies, for that matter. You'd have to leave the world entirely to do that! But I am saying that you shouldn't act as if everything is just fine when a friend who claims to be a Christian is promiscuous or crooked, is flip with God or rude to friends, gets drunk or becomes greedy and predatory. You can't just go along with this, treating it as acceptable behavior. I'm not responsible for what the outsiders do, but don't we have some responsibility for those within our community of believers? God decides on the outsiders, but we need to decide when our brothers and sisters are out of line and, if necessary, clean house.

Following discussion question: What is the difference between belonging to the world and being in the world and associating with the world?

Matthew 5:13-16 (also from The Message)
13"Let me tell you why you are here. You're here to be salt-seasoning that brings out the God-flavors of this earth. If you lose your saltiness, how will people taste godliness? You've lost your usefulness and will end up in the garbage.

14-16"Here's another way to put it: You're here to be light, bringing out the God-colors in the world. God is not a secret to be kept. We're going public with this, as public as a city on a hill. If I make you light-bearers, you don't think I'm going to hide you under a bucket, do you? I'm putting you on a light stand. Now that I've put you there on a hilltop, on a light stand—shine! Keep open house; be generous with your lives. By opening up to others, you'll prompt people to open up with God, this generous Father in heaven.

With this discussion question: If we are to be salt and light to an unbelieving world, we clearly cannot accomplish this task if we only minister within our "Christian bubble." How can we be salt and light without being of the world?"

The following, which I read in Messy Spirituality by Michael Yaconelli, kept coming to mind. So, here is yet another quote...a great story that illustrates some of what we discussed.

"In his book The Easy Yoke, Doug Webster tells a story about an idealistic college student who ended up on a mission trip to one of the more dangerous housing projects in Philadelphia. A brand-new Christian, this wide-eyed urban missionary didn't have a clue how to evangelize the inner city. Frightened and anxious to share his new faith, the young man approached a very large tenement house. Cautiously making his way through the dark, cluttered hallways, he gingerly climbed up one flight of stairs to an apartment. He knocked on the door, and a woman holding a naked, howling baby opened it. She was smoking and not in any mood to hear some white, idealistic college boy tell her about Jesus. She started cursing him and slammed the door in his face. The young man was devastated.

He walked out to the street, sat on the curb, and wept. Look at me. How in the world could someone like me think I could tell anyone about Jesus? Then he remembered that the baby was naked and the woman was smoking. The plan forming in his head didn't seem terribly spiritual but...

He ran down the street to the local market and bought a box of diapers and a pack of cigarettes. When he knocked on the door again, he showed the woman his purchases. She hesitated and then invited him in. For the rest of the day, he played with the baby and changed its diapers (even though he had never changed diapers before). When the woman offered him a cigarette, even though he didn't smoke, he smoked. He spent the entire day smoking and changing diapers. Never said a word about Jesus. Late in the afternoon, the woman asked him why he was doing all this, and finally he got to tell her everything he knew about Jesus. Took about five minutes. When he stopped talking, the woman looked at him and said softly, "Pray for me and my baby that we can make it out of here alive," so he did.

...In one frustrating afternoon, he learned about the power of sensitivity, the meaning of evangelism, the hopelessness of those who live in urban areas. He also learned that sometimes the Holy Spirit asks us to violate our convictions for a season in order to live the faith, not just talk about it. When this young man returned to college he didn't start smoking, but he did start listening to the leading of the Holy Spirit.

This sentence is so key: "He also learned that sometimes the Holy Spirit asks us to violate our convictions for a season in order to live the faith, not just talk about it." Notice he doesn't say violate God's Word - scripture...but our own convictions and "for a season."

This post has gotten quite long...much longer than I first intended so I'll just shut up about all that for now. :)

And for those of you who are not from the Northeast and/or have never heard of the Thousand Islands...it is a region of NY and Canada in and along the St. Lawrence Seaway...some cool pictures and info. can be found here. If you are really bored curious, you can read all about the origin of Thousand Island dressing here.

More from Messy...

From Chapter 7: Little Graces - The Triumph of Tiny Living

"The power of goodness is found in the tiny. Since the beginning, God has chosen the tiny over the large: David over Goliath, Gideon and his three hundred soldiers over thousands of Midianites, Elijah over the prophets of Baal, one sheep over the ninety-nine sheep. Spirituality is about doing the tiny work of God, little acts, small responses to God's presence in our lives.
....

Think what Jesus could have accomplished if he'd stayed on earth for twenty, thirty, or fifty more years. Wow, think what he could have done with all the technology available today!

Nope. Jesus showed up for a little while, did a few tiny miracles, said a few amazing words, and left.

But his few tiny acts changed the world forever. Tiny becomes huge when Jesus is involved." (emphasis added)

That was encouraging to read because I often get sucked into that "big = success = important = making a difference" thinking especially if I use the world and culture around me to measure value. As he goes on to say,

"...it is very easy to conclude that unless God is doing really big things through our lives, we're not spiritual. - Spiritual people are about tiny things, which is the fruit of their spirituality. The spiritual life is not a life of success; it is a life of faithfulness, and it's not easy."

So much of my frustration comes when I stop seeing the tiny things I do as acts of obedience and service to Him first. The dishes, the laundry, the diapers, the meals, the cleaning, the explaining, the teaching, the discipline, the appointments...in and of themselves feel small and mundane and often difficult. However they are viewed, collectively or individually, they are what He has put in front of me to do - gifted me with.

He accomplishes so much through this tiny living. When I follow His lead and trust Him, I am humbled, sharpened, pruned, strengthened, nourished, and set apart for Him. And He is lifted up - before my husband, before my kids, my friends and relations - He can show Himself faithful and loving, holy and true. If I can remember this - keep this perspective - live what I believe - He will give me great joy...no matter how tiny my living. He alone can take my tiny living and make it ripple into eternity.

Still at home

Fever status: low-grade. Home from church. I'm so thankful for our porch. Otherwise, I'd feel like a shut-in.

Some of this down-time with Abigail has allowed me to catch up on some reading...just a little. My nearly stagnated "Currently Reading" list on the side-bar finally got stirred. Last night I finished Messy Spirituality. So good. I began reading it back in March and shared my first thoughts in this post, In Good Company.

Here's some more good stuff.

"According to his critics, Jesus 'did God' all wrong. He went to the wrong places, said the wrong things, and worst of all, let just anyone into the kingdom. Jesus scandalized an intimidating, elitist, country-club religion by opening membership in the spiritual life to those who had been denied it. What made people furious was Jesus' 'irresponsible' habit of throwing open the doors of his love to the whosoevers, the just-anyones, and the not-a-chancers like you and me." - p. 47

Sounds like irrational love to me.

more tomorrow...

on relationship, fellowship, confession and forgiveness

I have been so refreshed and encouraged by a one-to-one discipleship guide that our church will be using. Our other pastor's wife and myself have been going through it together. The segments are titled: Assurance of Salvation, Experiencing God's Love, Holy Spirit, and Growing in Christ.

I'm one of those people who really responds to having things clearly mapped-out. Lists. This+this=this which means this. You get the picture. There is much in this study that I had learned as a young believer. But through the years I have adopted a lot of fuzzy thinking. Areas where I understood the concept but not in a way that I could articulate or support it clearly through God's word. Not that the support wasn't there...it is! I just never bothered to search for it and allow the Holy Spirit to help me put the pieces together. Here are some examples.

My relationship vs. my fellowship with God. They aren't the same thing. Yet, up to this point, I would use the word relationship to describe both! Fuzzy for me. Confusing at best for anyone in a conversation with me pertaining to this subject! My relationship with God as His daughter is completely and totally maintained by Him. (John 1:12, John 10:27-29, I Peter 1:3,4) My fellowship with God began when I accepted Him, is maintained in part by me and can change depending on me. (Colossians 2:6, Psalm 66:16-20, I John 1:9) Funny how just clearly defining two words brings things into focus.

Asking forgiveness vs. confession. They aren't the same thing either! Confession is me agreeing with God about my sin; saying the same thing God says. (I John 1:9) Forgiveness is what Christ did for me on the cross. It is already done. (Colossians 2:13,14) And if you need a 'with-skin-on-it' example of how asking for forgiveness is not the same thing as confession let me remind you of something I'm sure you have witnessed and most of us have taken part in!

Daughter #3 injures, on purpose, daughter #1.
Me to Daughter #1: "That was mean and hurtful, you need to make this right with your sister!"
Daughter #3 to Daughter #1: begrudgingly "sorry."

Did she mean it? Hardly. Did she agree that her actions where mean and hurtful? Maybe. But, as a mom I can say, she most likely was sorry that she got caught or in trouble. This sharpened view of forgiveness and confession reinforces the countless times I've asked my girls, "Why are you sorry? What did you do that was wrong? or How do you think she felt when you did that?"

On one hand it has been exciting to have God clear out the cobwebs and make these simple truths more clear to me. On the other hand, it was really humbling to sketch it out here because I feel like, "...for-goodness-sakes I should'da had a better grip on this all along!" But overall I'm thankful. Thankful that He is longsuffering toward me. Oh!...how He has patiently labored for and with me! And, being the greatest teacher, He knows that sometimes we need to hear things over and over and in different ways so that they really sink in.

Having a fresh, and more complete understanding of these foundations of my faith breathes confidence and strength into my desire to love others as God loves them.

A Surprise Valentine

The string of beautiful weather is just too much for me...I can hardly stay indoors! My guess is that some of my favorite bloggers are also giving in to the call of the breezy sunshine. I have a feeling that if I'm able to sustain this blog, there will be less posting throughout the warmer months! Having a real yard for the first time in a long time has me planning and imagining great things growing all around the house. Never mind that I can't keep a cactus - potted and sitting in my kitchen window where I see it every day - alive. I think the self-deception began as I cooed over my crocuses, daffodils, tulips and forsythia, as if I had something to do with their successful trumpeting of spring.

See...it's dark now but I'm still 'outside' chasing rabbits before saying what I sat down to say!

I was reading through a journal that I began more than 2 years ago. A friend and counselor suggested that I keep a section for "Insights & Gifts" and here is an entry.

This happened several months before I began this journal. I had been asking God to help me in my search for an intimate relationship with Him. I want to understand, believe, trust His love for me.

I was thinking/praying about this as I was in bed one night. It was dark. I had my eyes shut. As I thought and prayed I could see a small shape in the center of the blackness. My eyes stayed shut. I squeezed them shut tighter and almost laughed. I felt like a little kid. I really wanted to see what that shape was because it seemed like a....a heart. I "looked" longer and yes, that is what it was. A small white heart in the center of the darkness.

I felt a little silly but I also felt as if God had sent me that little vision as if to say, "I love you." When I told Clinton about it he said, "Oh, God sent you a valentine!" I can't say that it helped me "understand, believe, trust His love for me," but it was so evident at that moment that He loves me, lives in me and wants to communicate with me...meeting me where I am. Thank you, Jesus.

Even finding this in my journal felt like a love-note from Him tonight. I was flying solo with the 4 girls tonight. (ages 2-9 for those wondering) In the 4 hours between when he left and I had them all tucked into bed I had struggled with frustration, fatigue, and fuming fury. Through clenched teeth I hissed commands and scoldings. All the while wishing bed-time would hurry up and get here!

I'm not sure why I seemed to have No. Patience. What. So. Ever. All I know is that I felt broken. As in not working properly. In the past, when I would fail, I would feel as if God was so disappointed in me. I would think that I wouldn't blame Him for withholding at least some of His love for me. I don't think I actually thought it out...it was more just understood and then expressed in how I behaved toward Him.

Now that He has replaced my ignorance with His truth I know this isn't so. Nothing I do or don't do will change how much He loves me. And He reminded me of this as I read my journal. It was like finding a beautiful card with an equally beautiful sentiment inside sent by a friend. The kind you keep tucked away in a drawer or a box so that when you happen upon it again you can feel so loved over and over. And, flipping through my journal reminded me of where I was and where I am now. What He has done. His faithfulness. He has drawn me closer to Himself.

I will need to apologize to my kids too....It is easier to do that when I have been forgiven first by the lover of my soul.

pointing in the right direction

I've been struggling with some circumstances lately and in turn struggling with someone who is attached to those circumstances. It is nothing I would want to or could post about here. And, even if I did, I wouldn't be pointing in the right direction. I would be pointing to my circumstances rather than the One who is in control of them - the One I am to respond to with honor.

My new friend, Karen/irritable mother, from Surviving Motherhood left me an encouraging comment on the last post. Here was what she shared with me: Being Real

The whole post was helpful to me but the very last statement is what the Holy Spirit has been posting on the billboards in my head ever since I read it, "...I can be an encourager. I don’t need to point to my circumstance. I can point to Jesus!!!"

Then the topic in Sunday school this past week built on this for me. That is what I hope to share more about sooner rather than much later. The questions He keeps asking me are "How are you going to respond to Me - show others Me in you - how will My Name be glorified through all of this?"

"...All of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, because,

'God opposes the proud

but gives grace to the humble.'

Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that He may lift you up in due time." - I Peter 5:5b-6 NIV(click for multiple translations)


I want God fighting for me...not opposing me!

...as He has loved me

Thanks so much for all the interaction concerning the last post! What a blessing to watch God connect us and maybe even ruffle our feathers a bit. I'll admit it is a bit scary but mostly exciting and challenging.

Clinton and I have been talking more about these things throughout this week. I was reminded of the following from Donald Miller's Blue Like Jazz.

"I know a lot of people will not listen to the words of Christ because people like me, who know Him, carry our own agendas into the conversation rather than just relaying the message Christ wanted to get across."

But this really wasn't the point of the last post. I wrote a bit hastily, it was definitely 'beta'; unedited and mildly censored.

What I was really trying to communicate was how quickly and easily God exposed me in this area of loving others as He loves them. All it took was for me to hear the few sentences that encapsulated this issue between the church and the school. I heard and then reacted. My first response was not of love - it was anger, frustration, how-could-they and what-scripture-was-that-decision-based-on?!

But, it didn't take long for the Holy Spirit to speak to my heart and remind me that all I can do is walk closely with Him so that my response to anything can be more like His. To those who don't know Him, I am to reach out in a loving way that they can understand. To those who do know Him, I am to love as a brother or sister. And, we are only instructed to confront the sin of another believer, so that they can be restored in their relationship with God, not the unbeliever. In the case of the church ending support of the school...I'm assuming this would fall in the category of believers...but that is a whole other post!

Bottom line for me...Follow Christ's basic command to love others as He has loved me - let my obedience and belief in God change my life. every. single. day. And, He promises to take care of the rest. Only He has the power to change hearts.

Some of my earlier posts were used to sort out my understanding of God's irrational love for me. I had originally intended to go through a natural progression; God's love for me, my love for Him and in turn, my love for others. The topic of the last post sort of fast-forwarded my thinking a bit. So, I'll let the Holy Spirit decide where I go from here. All I know is, at least for me, there is so much more to discover as God continues to pour out His lavish love over me. Thanks for coming along on the journey.

irrational?...love?

Often when the idea of irrational love comes up among christians, the concept often is applied to loving people that we consider very "other." Yes, we need to love and reach out in love to anyone trapped in or running toward sin but what about those who, for the most part, look-like-talk-like-act-like-us?

I just heard through the grapevine that a church I once attended is pulling it's support of a Christian school in their area. Why? Because the school has a band...and they have been playing at some charismatic churches.

Once I was able to get through the initial wave of nausea and anger, I thought, "I'm called to love those people just as irrationally as anyone else." Sometimes, like in this case, that feels hard to do and I recognize a strong lack of desire even! Yet, I'm called to irrationally love these people who have made such an irrational and unloving decision. Maybe it feels harder to love because I'm a sister to these people and from the "world's" point of view we are all the same! And I want to scream, "But that isn't me!! And I don't believe that Christ would respond that way either!"

Just had to get that out....thanks!

In Good Company

Some days I feel like I'm just too far gone...too mired in my own sin and selfishness to be any good. And, if I were God I would have given up on me a long time ago and I certainly wouldn't waste time trying to show me love. This "stinkin' thinkin'" is accentuated when I allow myself to view the followers of God described in the Bible as holier-than-thou-goodie-two-shoes types. Even though I've read for myself the contrary.

Some examples?

In the Old Testament: Noah - drunk & naked; Moses - rage & murder; Abraham & Sarah - liar liar; David - adultery & murder ---most of these things are detestable, even by today's standards!

In the New Testament Jesus loved and was followed by disciples who displayed in-fighting, selfishness, malice, unbelief, betrayal etc. etc. Others who jump out at me...the woman at the well & the woman caught in the act of adultery.


These were all real people like me...like you. They had their strengths, weaknesses and a desire to know and love God. Some lived in miserable circumstances, some made terrible choices, stepped in a lot of messes and some seem hopeless when you really examine their stories; but they were never beyond the forgiveness and love God offers.

My sin doesn't frighten Him. In the book I'm currently reading, Messy Spirituality, Michael Yaconelli puts these thoughts into words so well.

"Jesus is not repelled by us, no matter how messy we are, regardless of how incomplete we are. When we recognize that Jesus is not discouraged by our humanity, is not turned off by our messiness, and simply doggedly pursues us in the face of it all, what else can we do but give in to his outrageous, indiscriminate love?...

...We are a mess. None of us is who we appear to be. We all have secrets. We all have issues. We all struggle from time to time. No one is perfect. Not one. (I have just paraphrased Romans 3:10.) The essence of messy spirituality is the refusal to pretend, to lie, or to allow others to believe we are something we are not. Unfortunately, people can handle the most difficult issues more easily than they can handle the lack of pretending....

When we seek God, Jesus begins to take shape in our lives. He begins a good work in us, he starts changing us, but the finishing process is a more-than-a-lifetime process. The work of God in our lives will never be finished until we meet Jesus face to face. The author of Hebrews wrote, 'Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter [or finisher] of our faith.' Spirituality isn't about being finished and perfect; spirituality is about trusting God in our unfinishedness."

God's irrational love for me is starting to take on a shape I can recognize. I can believe it and trust it even while I still don't completely understand it. And a good friend said to me today at our Prayer Group, "...and you probably never will until you see Him."

sub-pits

I feel like I can't get out of Psalm 18...but I don't really want to leave. It is so interesting to me, especially as I try to hear it personally. The poetic descriptions of God and His power are...well, powerful! This past Saturday I attended a Beth Moore simulcast conference and she spoke primarily from this chapter. God has been revealing to me more and more of Himself through this passage since then.

These are some of the verses I've been chewing on for the past few days...

Psalm 18:3-6

3 I call to the LORD, who is worthy of praise,
and I am saved from my enemies.

4 The cords of death entangled me;
the torrents of destruction overwhelmed me.

5 The cords of the grave coiled around me;
the snares of death confronted me.

6 In my distress I called to the LORD;
I cried to my God for help.
From his temple he heard my voice;
my cry came before him, into his ears.

Psalm 18:16-19

16 He reached down from on high and took hold of me;
he drew me out of deep waters.

17 He rescued me from my powerful enemy,
from my foes, who were too strong for me.

18 They confronted me in the day of my disaster,
but the LORD was my support.

19 He brought me out into a spacious place;
he rescued me because he delighted in me.

I may not call my struggles, bouts of depression, sin, poor choices, disappointing or devastating circumstances the "cords of death" or "cords of the grave" but that is what they are. Anything that tries to/succeeds to wrap itself around me, drag me down, trap me and keep me stuck...buried even...is a cord of death around me.

That is such a vivid picture for me when I imagine cords constraining, constricting; as Beth said, "the tighter our space becomes." But, through His deliverance, He brings me into a "spacious place!" His way sets us free! (vs. 16-19)

Ok...I know this...now what am I going to do about it...what does this look like for me...right here, right now in my dirty kitchen, laundry flooded living room, and crumb covered floors?
I'm still trying to figure out what it looks like for my God to scatter my enemies, rescue me from my greedy enemy. What will it look like as He reaches down, takes hold of me, draws me out and sets me on solid ground, giving me an open field to run in?

He has given me a taste of this in the past. I've been in deeper pits...and I've been freed from them...but sometimes I wonder, have I just crawled back to one...maybe a more shallow one but still an entangling hole? Or does my pit have "sub-pits!" I wish I could draw a picture of what I see in my mind right now. I reach up with my weak arm, allow Him to take hold of it with His strong arm and begin lifting me out. But then, as I emerge from that pit, I look around and think, "ok...this looks better...whew!...I'll just let go here." So, I'm out of a pit but not out of the "pits" yet. :) Now I'm beginning to see the bright spot at the top...smell the fresh air and feel the coolness of life truly released from the pit. I want that!

How about you? Any thoughts on your "cords of death" that Satan wants to use to bury you alive and keep you from a life-changing-joy-giving-strength-filling God? I'm thinking that for most of us those cords are things that at first glance don't appear to be a "big deal."

What about being brought out into a "spacious place"...anyone care to share?

Feeding on this verse...

He brought me out into a spacious place;
he rescued me because he delighted in me.

-Psalm 18:19 NIV

more soon...

Really!?

This makes the fourth time I have attempted to post an entry this evening. I begin...get a sentence out-maybe four...then I delete them...then start again...wash, rinse, repeat.

I think it is because I'm so overwhelmed. God has been showing me Himself...revealing His love, His purpose and very little of His plan to me.

God thinks about us...really! "How precious are your thoughts about me, O God...." (Psalm 139:17-18) He (the God of the universe and saviour of us all) thinks about me (one of billions of people who spends much of her time focused on her own needs/wants/desires)

I have "known" this for quite some time...but have I believed it? I can know something but if I really, truly believe - it should change the way I think and behave. I have spent so much of my life feeling like I couldn't be loved unless ______ . And so many things could fill that blank.

The truth of the matter is, He loved me before I had anything to offer, before I even knew He existed He "...watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb. [He] saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in [His] book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed." (Psalm 139:15-16)

Not only does He love me, but He has a purpose and a plan for fulfilling that purpose...He wrote it down. Amazing. I could just go on and on...and I probably will next time.

Again, I know/have known some of this for so long but He is showing me that I have not completely believed. I'm so thankful that He is letting this wash over me - fresh and new. His patience is staggering and His careful-thoughtful persistence is unmistakable.

In over my head?

I had been wishing for some alone-time but it keeps coming as a result of illness. I’m done wishing. But for now, I will take this opportunity which my sinus infection has afforded me and make the most of my aloneness.

Humidifier billowing, dwindling box of tissues on one side and an ever growing pile of waded tissues on the other, I sit here in bed. Clinton took all the girls to church so, except for the pain pulsing through my head and sinuses, it is relatively quiet here.

I so want to write about God's great love for me. Should I be posting about something that I still can't wrap my brain around? It feels elusive and hard to understand even as I read, "How priceless is your unfailing love...." or "This is how God showed His love for us: God sent His only Son into the world so we might live through Him."

Ann Kroeker in her book The Contemplative Mom puts my heart into words.

"God lovingly placed you on this earth and gave you new life in Christ in anticipation of relationship. You are His child, His friend, His beloved companion....He is ready and willing--eager, even--to relate to you on an everyday, personal level. The problem I see most often in my own life is not that I need to be convinced of this truth, but that I need to be reminded of it--reminded of it so that I can act on it and consequently interact with God. I suspect that most of us, while we're busy scraping dried pancake batter blobs off the kitchen counter, need to be reminded that Christ is with us. We don't forget the truth; we forget to live the truth."

"We don't forget the truth; we forget to live the truth." - That is so me.

The fact that He has rescued me tells me that He loves me. The way he rescued me tells me that He loves me. His desire to relate to me tells me that He loves me. The fact that I am a stinking, rotten, selfish sinner and He extends His love and grace to me anyway tells me that He loves me. Ok...I get it. He loves me. I'm so thankful that, when I am watching and really paying attention (and sometimes when I'm not), I can touch, see and feel reminders of this love every single day.

Anyone else ever wrestle to get this...want so much to have this stamped on your soul?

More next time...

the first step

My title -
I want my life to be a continual process, a journey that leads my heart to transformation: a transformation that reveals God's heart - the heart of Christ who walked the earth and now waits for me in heaven. It seems that, at least for the last several years, God's transforming work in me has to do with love. His love for me and my love for others. His love for me is radical, passionate…irrational. Because of this, my love for others can be irrational. I hope to flesh this out in the posts ahead.

The description under the title is a quote by Nancy Heche. Recently God used her book, The Truth Comes Out to point out, with laser sharpness, the transforming work He has been and is continuing to do in my heart.

Thanks for coming along on this journey with me. I look forward to your comments as we travel.

Until next time,
Jen