sub-pits

I feel like I can't get out of Psalm 18...but I don't really want to leave. It is so interesting to me, especially as I try to hear it personally. The poetic descriptions of God and His power are...well, powerful! This past Saturday I attended a Beth Moore simulcast conference and she spoke primarily from this chapter. God has been revealing to me more and more of Himself through this passage since then.

These are some of the verses I've been chewing on for the past few days...

Psalm 18:3-6

3 I call to the LORD, who is worthy of praise,
and I am saved from my enemies.

4 The cords of death entangled me;
the torrents of destruction overwhelmed me.

5 The cords of the grave coiled around me;
the snares of death confronted me.

6 In my distress I called to the LORD;
I cried to my God for help.
From his temple he heard my voice;
my cry came before him, into his ears.

Psalm 18:16-19

16 He reached down from on high and took hold of me;
he drew me out of deep waters.

17 He rescued me from my powerful enemy,
from my foes, who were too strong for me.

18 They confronted me in the day of my disaster,
but the LORD was my support.

19 He brought me out into a spacious place;
he rescued me because he delighted in me.

I may not call my struggles, bouts of depression, sin, poor choices, disappointing or devastating circumstances the "cords of death" or "cords of the grave" but that is what they are. Anything that tries to/succeeds to wrap itself around me, drag me down, trap me and keep me stuck...buried even...is a cord of death around me.

That is such a vivid picture for me when I imagine cords constraining, constricting; as Beth said, "the tighter our space becomes." But, through His deliverance, He brings me into a "spacious place!" His way sets us free! (vs. 16-19)

Ok...I know this...now what am I going to do about it...what does this look like for me...right here, right now in my dirty kitchen, laundry flooded living room, and crumb covered floors?
I'm still trying to figure out what it looks like for my God to scatter my enemies, rescue me from my greedy enemy. What will it look like as He reaches down, takes hold of me, draws me out and sets me on solid ground, giving me an open field to run in?

He has given me a taste of this in the past. I've been in deeper pits...and I've been freed from them...but sometimes I wonder, have I just crawled back to one...maybe a more shallow one but still an entangling hole? Or does my pit have "sub-pits!" I wish I could draw a picture of what I see in my mind right now. I reach up with my weak arm, allow Him to take hold of it with His strong arm and begin lifting me out. But then, as I emerge from that pit, I look around and think, "ok...this looks better...whew!...I'll just let go here." So, I'm out of a pit but not out of the "pits" yet. :) Now I'm beginning to see the bright spot at the top...smell the fresh air and feel the coolness of life truly released from the pit. I want that!

How about you? Any thoughts on your "cords of death" that Satan wants to use to bury you alive and keep you from a life-changing-joy-giving-strength-filling God? I'm thinking that for most of us those cords are things that at first glance don't appear to be a "big deal."

What about being brought out into a "spacious place"...anyone care to share?

Feeding on this verse...

He brought me out into a spacious place;
he rescued me because he delighted in me.

-Psalm 18:19 NIV

more soon...

Really!?

This makes the fourth time I have attempted to post an entry this evening. I begin...get a sentence out-maybe four...then I delete them...then start again...wash, rinse, repeat.

I think it is because I'm so overwhelmed. God has been showing me Himself...revealing His love, His purpose and very little of His plan to me.

God thinks about us...really! "How precious are your thoughts about me, O God...." (Psalm 139:17-18) He (the God of the universe and saviour of us all) thinks about me (one of billions of people who spends much of her time focused on her own needs/wants/desires)

I have "known" this for quite some time...but have I believed it? I can know something but if I really, truly believe - it should change the way I think and behave. I have spent so much of my life feeling like I couldn't be loved unless ______ . And so many things could fill that blank.

The truth of the matter is, He loved me before I had anything to offer, before I even knew He existed He "...watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb. [He] saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in [His] book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed." (Psalm 139:15-16)

Not only does He love me, but He has a purpose and a plan for fulfilling that purpose...He wrote it down. Amazing. I could just go on and on...and I probably will next time.

Again, I know/have known some of this for so long but He is showing me that I have not completely believed. I'm so thankful that He is letting this wash over me - fresh and new. His patience is staggering and His careful-thoughtful persistence is unmistakable.

"Open" love-letter

Still speaking of love, 13 years ago today my husband asked me to stay with him for the rest of our lives. I had no clue what "the rest of our lives" really meant (and I know we have only scratched the surface!) and I certainly didn't spend much time thinking, "What will our lives look like 13 years from now?...how will our love have grown?" I mostly remember the floating feeling, staring at my ring until I fell asleep and formulating my case to my parents as to why getting married 3 months before my college graduation "just made sense!"

6 vehicles, 5 moves, 4 new human beings, 3 states, 2 cats & 1 new house later...here we are...still in love...more in love.

I can't speak for Clinton, but I didn't get what I signed up for.

He is more faithful, more loving, more honest, more supportive, more compassionate, more unselfish than I ever would have imagined. Some of these things I simply could not know because we hadn't gone through trials and testing together. But as the events of our life together have unfolded, he continues to amaze me. He rises to a standard far higher than one I could set. Because of a relationship that was established about 15 years before I married him, he reaches toward a higher goal, he reaches out to Christ who is the reason Clinton is who he is today...and why he can love me irrationally!

On our wedding day, 1 year-1 month-5 days after our engagement, I sang these words to Clinton.

"I see Jesus in your eyes and it makes me love you.
I feel Jesus in your touch and I know He cares.
I hear Jesus in your voice and it makes me listen.
And I trust you with my love because your His.
I see Him, I see Him in you."

I still see, feel, hear and trust...

Thanks for reading and sharing one of the joys of my heart!


Until the snow clears...
love,
me

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Love you,
Jen

In over my head?

I had been wishing for some alone-time but it keeps coming as a result of illness. I’m done wishing. But for now, I will take this opportunity which my sinus infection has afforded me and make the most of my aloneness.

Humidifier billowing, dwindling box of tissues on one side and an ever growing pile of waded tissues on the other, I sit here in bed. Clinton took all the girls to church so, except for the pain pulsing through my head and sinuses, it is relatively quiet here.

I so want to write about God's great love for me. Should I be posting about something that I still can't wrap my brain around? It feels elusive and hard to understand even as I read, "How priceless is your unfailing love...." or "This is how God showed His love for us: God sent His only Son into the world so we might live through Him."

Ann Kroeker in her book The Contemplative Mom puts my heart into words.

"God lovingly placed you on this earth and gave you new life in Christ in anticipation of relationship. You are His child, His friend, His beloved companion....He is ready and willing--eager, even--to relate to you on an everyday, personal level. The problem I see most often in my own life is not that I need to be convinced of this truth, but that I need to be reminded of it--reminded of it so that I can act on it and consequently interact with God. I suspect that most of us, while we're busy scraping dried pancake batter blobs off the kitchen counter, need to be reminded that Christ is with us. We don't forget the truth; we forget to live the truth."

"We don't forget the truth; we forget to live the truth." - That is so me.

The fact that He has rescued me tells me that He loves me. The way he rescued me tells me that He loves me. His desire to relate to me tells me that He loves me. The fact that I am a stinking, rotten, selfish sinner and He extends His love and grace to me anyway tells me that He loves me. Ok...I get it. He loves me. I'm so thankful that, when I am watching and really paying attention (and sometimes when I'm not), I can touch, see and feel reminders of this love every single day.

Anyone else ever wrestle to get this...want so much to have this stamped on your soul?

More next time...

the first step

My title -
I want my life to be a continual process, a journey that leads my heart to transformation: a transformation that reveals God's heart - the heart of Christ who walked the earth and now waits for me in heaven. It seems that, at least for the last several years, God's transforming work in me has to do with love. His love for me and my love for others. His love for me is radical, passionate…irrational. Because of this, my love for others can be irrational. I hope to flesh this out in the posts ahead.

The description under the title is a quote by Nancy Heche. Recently God used her book, The Truth Comes Out to point out, with laser sharpness, the transforming work He has been and is continuing to do in my heart.

Thanks for coming along on this journey with me. I look forward to your comments as we travel.

Until next time,
Jen

Newbie

This is super scary for me.

I remember the first time I read a blog of substance I thought, "I could never do that!" Well, I guess I'm doing it...we'll have to see about the "substance" part! When will I learn to stop using the word never. God loves to call me out.

A big thanks to my friend and mentor-blogger, livingpalm, for inviting me to read and share in her blogging experience.

More on my title and such next time...