Who am I kidding...

This is/was considered my personal blog. I have a family blog too - equally neglected but some new posts up there recently. Currently I've been journaling more and really trying to let truth sink into my heart in a life-changing, action-taking sort of way. He continues to teach me more about His irrational love for me. Learning this takes disciplined effort. I am not a disciplined person.

So, if I'm going to manage to record anything via a blog, it is most like going to be over at ricecakes. Sharing things here and there that are stirring in my heart will be unavoidable. But the focus there is rounded out by the pictures, events, quips, quotes, and the beautiful mess of life.

Yes. I'm still living.

Recently, I've been trying to figure out what to do with this abandoned blog. No conclusions have been met. Should it be shut down? Should I start again in some new direction? Should I leave it standing here as some monument to what God has done? Many more questions. Very little time to seek the answers.

New, blog-distracting happenings in the past couple...um...years.

Homeschooling.

Homeschooling our 6 year old.

Tending the hearts and minds of our 4 beautiful, talented, we-wanna-be-in-your-face girls.

They are growing so fast. Changing in so many ways. I don't want to miss a thing.

Currently I'm wrestling with God. Wanting His blessing but still white-knuckle gripping my own way. Something He has brought across my path, something that has loosened my fingers a bit - One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp. I can't recommend it enough.

What is going on with me? You really wanna know? Ok - here goes - in rough chronological order because in our house many things seem to happen simultaneously whether we like it or not.

• Returned from vacation with a sick child.

• Laundry.

• Celebrated Husband's birthday.

• Hosted In-laws for said revelry.

• Attended a beautiful & fun wedding.

• Laundry.

• Have been listening to Natalie Grant's Relentless - especially track 3 - lots.

• Began plucking through an entire van load of Stuff. It seemed to multiply itself as it filled about half of our rather large dining room. The Stuff is all 13+ years old. When we moved from MD to OH six months after our wedding we left a bunch of Stuff behind in my in-laws attic. They graciously loaded it all up and brought it to us. The Stuff is, but not limited to, never-been-used wedding gifts, trophies, H.S. & college yearbooks, college text books, childhood paraphernalia etc. etc. I was thrilled to learn I have a huge, oval, covered roaster! Funny how I'm sure I wasn't nearly so thrilled 13 & 1/2 years ago.

• Laundry.

• Have been listening to Coldplay's Viva la Vida - lots.

• Apparently I have donated my dining room to host The JC Museum. Pictures and further description to come later on our family blog. Our eldest is the curator. The items on display are all from The Stuff. Evidently Clinton and I are living artifacts.

• Nursed another sick child through a fever and now am constantly saying "go blow your nose!"

• Trying not to be gleeful about my eldest having limited vocal abilities due to laryngitis.

• Making lots of all-better tea several times a day x 4.

• Various cleaning and purging projects around the house. The largest taking place in the basement/home office/play room/pit of dispair. um yeah.

• Laundry.

• In the process of packing up the two oldest for a week at camp.

• In the process of packing up the two youngest to go with Nana & PopPop for the week.

• YES! All of them. Whoohoo!

• Preparing for Super-Sister(in-law)-Sarah to arrive and work her mad purging, organizing, and-knows-how-to-have-fun-while-doing-it skilz in my home for the same week that all my monster-mess-makers beautiful children are gone!!!

• Dodged a bat in the basement. Screamed like a little girl before I ran up the stairs, slammed the stair door and waited until Clinton gave the all-clear. I'm brave like that.
  

• Laundry.

So, what have you been up to?

The Shack - William P. Young

I'm afraid if I say too much I'll give too much away. Or, worse yet, by telling you so emphatically to read it, you will become less inclined to do so.

I'll take the risk. Buy or borrow a copy and read it. Do it now.

Some things to consider/remember:
Check your dogma at the door.
Prepare for a creative allegory, evocative of deep emotion and deep thinking.
It is a work of fiction originally written for a private audience, the author's children.
Read the Forward even if you normally don't.

Some quotes that I thought were particularly beautiful.

"So many believe that it is love that grows, but it is the knowing that grows and love simply expands to contain it. Love is just the skin of knowing."

"It is not the nature of love to force a relationship but it is the nature of love to open the way."

It seems much easier to talk about this book rather than write about it. I'm still internalizing. I do know that I will never look at some things the same again. It was humbling and sometimes shocking to see so much of myself on the pages. Even more powerful were the moments when the writer invited me to see God in ways I've never imagined before. It is for relationship we were created. First with Him and then with one another. That is beautifully simple yet we add the (as another reviewer stated) "...do's and don't that distort a relationship into a religion..." and complicate it all.

So, in an effort to stop complicating...
Read it. I'd love to know what you think.

Waiting

Are you one of my many 3 readers waiting for a new post? Well, here's a story about waiting that I posted on my family blog in January. I've debated over posting it here. Too much information? But, in the end I thought it was too good an example of my day-to-day experience for me not to share with all.

There are many people in my life who are waiting. Among them, my friend Tiff and her family are waiting for news on a potential job that would result in relocation. My neighbors are joyfully awaiting the birth of their first baby sometime soon this month. My family is waiting for my dad to return from Iraq. I do not wish to diminish the worthiness of their noble waiting. But I was afforded a new perspective on waiting today via my not-more-than 3 years and 1 month old.

The three older girls were off to school. Clinton had kissed me goodbye and was well on his way to work. Smallest had gotten up but decided to play in her room. I puttered around with laundry and at the computer when I heard her yelling. She had shut her door, essentially locking herself in. Upon her rescue we headed to the kitchen to make breakfast. But first I needed to make a quick pit-stop.

I scurried to the half-bath off the kitchen. In my haste I failed to notice the empty roll. A quick check under the sink and all around revealed absolutely no more toilet paper.

I called her name.

Head peeking around the door, "Whu' Momma?"

"Could you please go get me some toilet paper?" and I proceeded to describe the 3 fresh rolls sitting on the hamper upstairs in my bathroom.

"O.K.!" And off she went. She didn't return, at least not right away. I called her name twice. The second time I could hear her coming down the back stairs talking to herself. She appeared in the bathroom.

"I can't find it."

I described the location again trying hard to mask my frustration with a sing-songy-you-can-do-this-and-it's-gonna-be-so-great sort of tone. Hoping that would be just the encouragement she needed I sent her back.

Her little feet carried her to the kitchen were she seemed to get distracted by something. I called her name in an effort to re-direct. I heard her reach the kitchen stairs where it seemed she stopped to converse with the cat.

I called her name again. Then I didn't hear anything. I heard nothing for a very long time. I called her name several times.

Then I heard her hurrying in my direction, little whispers mixed with breathing. She poked her head in the door. I could only see her little smiling eyes as she shoved her fist toward me. She was very proud. She opened her small hand and there were 3 whispers of toilet paper waded together - not the size of a quarter.

Breathe. In. Out. Smile. "O.K....Thank you....Could you go get the big toilet paper?" I asked as I pounded tapped the empty dispenser.

"I can't find it."

"Yes you can." And I described it one last time. She even asked a few questions as if to be sure she was heading in the right direction.

Off she went. Never to be seen or heard from again. I called. And I called. And I called. All the while looking again under the sink and devising ways of dealing with the situation without her help. After what felt like an hour - but this whole thing probably lasted a total of 10-15 minutes - I succumbed to the hopelessness of my plight.

I dealt with it. The details I'll spare.

Walking into the kitchen I saw that the stair door was closed. I opened it. Nothing. I couldn't even hear her. Deciding not to call her and not even to mention it I began making breakfast.

Silently but swiftly she appeared in the kitchen. Proudly offering me her little fresh roll of toilet paper.

"Thank you. But it's too late." I said as I took it from her and went to put it on the bathroom sink. She followed me explaining something about all the rolls falling out of a bag (what bag!?) and how she had to put them all back. (you had to put them all back but you can't seem to put a single toy away without being told!? - these thoughts I kept to myself)

Later as we sat side by side eating our scrambled eggs and toast she chirped, "I have to go poopy." As I helped her little tush onto the potty I turned to see the toilet paper on the counter. I would be lying if I said I didn't imagine myself picking it up...

...and disappearing.

Speechless

...from the Tennessean

Steven Curtis Chapman’s youngest child died Wednesday evening after being struck by a car driven by her teenage brother in the driveway of the family’s Williamson County home.

Maria, one of the Christian singer’s six children, was taken by LifeFlight to Vanderbilt Hospital, which confirmed the death, according to Laura McPherson, a spokeswoman for the Tennessee Highway Patrol.

The 5-year-old was hit by an SUV driven by her teenage brother, she said. Police did not give the driver’s name.

The teen was driving a Toyota Land Cruiser down the driveway of the rural home at about 5:30 p.m. and several children were playing in the area, McPherson said. He did not see Maria in the driveway before the vehicle struck her, she said.

“It appears to be a terrible accident,’’ McPherson said.

No charges are expected, she said. The accident was witnessed by two other children; the entire family was home at the time, McPherson said. ...more

We may not know them but we can pray as if we do.

Freak Flag

I <3 David Cook.

Didn't miss a show.
Liked him from the beginning.
Actually voted last night for the first time ever.
When they announced him as the winner I squealed like...I was 35.

I know. Many of you would have never thought this of me.
I'm lettin' my Freak Flag fly, baby.
This does classify as irrational.

Mother's Day Bliss

What could be a sweeter gift on Mother's Day than seeing your children do this?

Oh. And being on a sunny little island on the St. Lawrence River didn't hurt either.

Prayer & Praise Follow-up

Prayer. I don't think we could be covered with too much right now. There are many things going on in our family & extended families. Most of them are appropriate for other posts or no posts at all. What I can talk about is the job situation I mentioned before in Prayer & Praise.

As far as CSR Technologies goes, there have been some great developments.

The first potential client I had mentioned has signed their contract with CSR Technologies so it's official. There are 2 more potential clients. One of which is reviewing their contract right now and wants to meet next week. PRAISE!

Further developments - other job/career opportunities (outside the scope of CSR Tech.) have been presented to us since I first asked for prayer. Now it seems we need prayer even more as we have some significant decisions to make. It's as if we are standing at a crossroad - turning in circles at the center.

Would you pray for wisdom, discernment, and anything else the Holy Spirit brings to your mind? Our hearts and minds are open to His leading...we'd just really like Him to paint His direction in the sky or something!

Randomishness

• Offspring.
  Directions: Wash. Rinse. Repeat.
  Applications: Endless. The most obvious is their grubby little spring-is-here-lets-roll-in-the-dirt physical bodies. But it seems, at least to me, to apply to so many other areas. Their roller-coaster emotions. Their mental I'm-10, 8, 6 or 3-and-I've-arrived attitudes. And their curious spiritual beings.
  Indications: I'm tired.
  

• I teach a scrapbooking class for high-school students. I shared some family albums with them this week. A few of the girls told me I looked like Catherine Zeta-Jones. Ok. So the pictures were from like 10+ years ago. But I'm gonna hold onto to Catherine for a little while because I coulda' swore that Russell Crowe was looking back at me from my bathroom mirror this morning.

• Some things I'm thankful for and/or blessed by right at this moment.
  
  1. A day spent with a friend. We are deepening our friendship and our understanding of God together. We are unalike and very alike. This journey is a little scary but promises to be exciting. It felt like God hugged us today.
  2. The AMAZING, BRILLIANTLY BEAUTIFUL, SUNSHINY DAY!
  3. Oh. And coffee.
     

Six Word Memoir

Four Girls: It's Like Herding Cats

I was tagged by Betsy at My Five Men to play.

Rules:
1. Write your own six-word memoir.

2. Post it on your blog (include a visual illustration if you’d like).

3. Link to the person who tagged you in your post.

4. Tag five more blogs with links.

5. Leave comment on the tagged blogs with invitation to play.

I’m tagging these five bloggers:

Tiffanie at New Every Morning
Amy at Open to Grace
Jenni at One Thing
Anna at Create In Me!
Kerry at RichandKerry.com

Four Score & Five Years

"Birthdays are good for you.
Studies show that the people who have the most,
live the longest."
- Unknown

Friday evening we celebrated my grandfather's 85th birthday. As I sat at my computer late that night my mind was flooded with memories. My eyes stung with happy tears. Wanting to write a post but being so tired, I began a simple list to be revisited later. Now it is later.

The majority of my happy childhood memories revolve around visits with my grandparents, Nannie & Poppie, at their home not far from where we live now. We didn't live here when I was growing up so most of our visits took place over holidays and summers - happy events to begin with.

Words on a blog could never come close to describing the deep, life-changing impact Poppie has had on my life. But, I can honor him as I share with you some glimpses into my memories of him.

These things flash through my mind when I remember being very little and being with my Poppie: hearing him pray, making oatmeal raisin cookies, listening to him tell me Meese’s stories, his Donald Duck voice, rides in the wheel barrow, and whiskery kisses. Meeses were really mice and there was always a Jenny Meese.

Later we often had long talks. Not meaning that the conversations themselves were long. They were carefully chosen words that spread over the time it took to fish, pull weeds, take a walk, plant tomatoes, pick berries or take a drive to go help a neighbor. I only remember the topics of a few of those talks but all of them left me with a sense that I was cared for; that what I had to say was valued and worth the listening.

He taught me how to, among other things: bait a hook, cast a fly, clean a fish and row a boat.

I was called Petunia, Petunia Bud, Hortence, Alice or Ol’ Bean more often than I was called by my given name. I still get Alice and Ol' Bean every once in a while.

To this day I love to see a bright orange salamander or tiny brown toads. Why? Because I can close my eyes and feel the summer sun on my face, smell cut grass and freshly tilled earth, see Poppie walking toward me in the garden saying the familiar with a smile much like the one in the picture above, "Close your eyes and hold out your hands..." then feel a wriggly, miniature reptile in my palm.

The endeavors and accomplishments of any of his offspring (blood-related or by-marriage) bring him more pride and joy than I have ever seen in one person. He is the ultimate bragger in the absolute best way possible.

He helped to care for, with tenderness and love, his mother-in-law for the many years that she lived under his roof until her peaceful home-going in 1995. I'm so thankful for that legacy given to me by both him and my Nannie. That legacy began well before I was born when they also cared for both of his parents in the same way.

It's my turn now. I can never repay what he has given to me. But I can give him unconditional love. Shower him with affection and appreciation. I can slow my pace a bit and just be there.

The ripples of time have begun to smooth out many memories for him. They aren't so quickly called to mind. Some have faded away completely. But, because he loves a good story, we re-visit those memories with him. And we are all the richer for it.

Prayer & Praise

Some of you may know that earlier this year Clinton resigned from his position at our church. Nothing tragic. It had become clear to us that God had him there for a season, to fill specific needs and, those things being done, it was time to be done. We still attend church there and are so thankful for our loving church family. But that's not really what this post is about.

I'm petitioning prayer on our behalf. Our business, CSR Technologies, has been growing consistently over the past couple of years. Things are still moving forward and we are thankful. Now though, we are dependent on this business as our primary source of income. God has been so faithful. We know that it was His leading that brought us to this point. All of our needs have been met and, we trust, will continue to be. For all of this we praise Him!

Here is how you can pray along with us. We are praying specifically for 3 new clients by the end of the month of April. God helped us kick off the month with a bang. On Monday Clinton got a call from a business here in town. He has not initiated contact with this business previously. (However, he has mentioned to me many times that he felt like God was telling him that eventually they would become a client and we discussed the possibility of him going in to offer his services.) Another one of Clinton's clients referred them and they called him on their own. He met with them yesterday, April 1st, and they are very excited to have him on-board. Once he gets their proposal done, it should be all set. Isn't that cool!? Thank you God.

If you are so inclined, please praise God for these things and pray along with us for at least 2 more clients this month. Thanks so much!

So we fasted and petitioned our God about this,
and he answered our prayer. - Ezra 8:23

Tutored

The Far Side by Gary Larson. Classic.

Overheard Surrounding the Recent Event
of Having Our Two Kittens "Tutored" and Declawed

8 yr. old - "...so they rearranged her mommy parts so she won't have babies."

Clinton to Jen - "Should we keep them separated for a few more days? He's acting a little frisky." 10 & 5 year old eavesdroppers replied, "What does frisky mean?"

5 yr. old on the way to pick up the cats from the vet - "I can't wait to see what they look like without their paws."

Happy Day

Ok. I know. Two posts in one day. Can you handle it? I had to show you my cake and share a couple more of my cards. Like this one from Mr. Smartypants Clinton and the girls. "You're in Our Thoughts at This Sad Time. Beyond the darkness, light...Beyond the sorrow, peace. At this time of loss, please know that we're thinking of you and holding you close to our hearts." And then he writes "We mourn the loss of your youth along with you." And has all the girls sign it. Cute.

And Virginia gave me her card. I have to share it just as she wrote it. I love it. "Happy Birthday MOM! You are the best...gratest funest Mom ever in my life (thanks for being so great!) Happy St. Patrics Day 2! love you Virginia."

Back to the cake. We had dinner. The kids had their baths. The girls had decorated the dining room for dinner and we all gathered there again for "no dessert." They had been trying to keep the cake a secret. They stink at keeping secrets. It was especially hard on them because all evening Abigail would wail, "Where's da cake!?" And all three of the girls would feel obligated to shush her and say in their loud whispers "remember we're having the cake later..."

Ok. I'll be done now. But there is more. Maybe on the family blog tomorrow.

happy birthday to me

Happy Birthday To Me

Before my eyes were completely open I had a large construction paper card thrust in my hands. It said, "Happy Birthday Mom! I 'heart' U Mom! Happy Birthday Mom 'Smiley Face' To: Mom Love: Anna" It made my sleepy heart warm.

Lily made me a card too. Well, the oldest helped quite a lot I was informed. Still, Lily is in kindergarten. The effort was lovely and so was seeing her little signature. Just looking at it makes me happy.

My Sweetie made a me a wonderful cup of coffee and was just about to bring it to me but I shuffled into the kitchen before he could.

It seemed I had at least 35 kisses - ahem. thirty-five. - before the 3 older girls twirled out the door to school.

My in-laws called last night with birthday wishes, wanting to be sure not to miss me today.

My grandparents, in their beautifully sweet 83 year old voices just called me and sang Happy Birthday. Tradition.

And my day is still beginning.

I feel old. But I feel very loved.

Talk about irrational love - my girls demonstrate that to me so often. Some days I peck at them fiercely like a mother hen. "Peck-peck-peck-up your clothes. Stop peck-peck-pecking your nose. If I have to peck-peck-peck-up your shoes one more time.... NO! You can't have it, stop peck-peck-pecking at me!" (Use your best shrill, chickeny voice when you read those.)

So, with all that pecking, sometimes it amazes me when they fly freely to wrap their arms tightly around me with an I-love-you and today, Happy-Birthday, Momma.

I guess 35 isn't so bad. It's just a number, right? Although it is a half-way kind of number. Half-way to 40. Truth be told, just saying 40 gives me a cold chill. I don't feel 35. Most days I don't even feel 30. Maybe it's all the little people around me and especially all the love, sometimes irrational, that makes me feel so young. So, Happy Birthday to me. sigh.

**unrelated: For my family blog readers...there are some new posts up. ;-)**

New Blogger & Long-time/Far-away Friend

Technology often amazes me and sometimes it thrills me. Each time I am able to re-connect with and keep in better touch with a friend, new or old, I am thrilled. Recently my friend, Betsy, invited me to her new blog, My Five Men.

There are so many things about Betsy that I admire. She is one of my heroes.

She has a killer decorating style. You can see a bit of it in the many photos that she posts such as here and here.

She can bake like nobody I know. She isn't afraid to play with or display her food. (Tiff, it's Betsy who is responsible for that cookie recipe that Tim loves so much!)

Oh, and she makes and sells these great vintage charm bracelets too!

Here is where she ranks as a hero with me. All her gifts, even her decorating/own personal style, she uses as ways to express her love for God, her husband, her teenage son and her 3 boys who have autism. This is a particularly poignant and wise post.

So, check out My Five Men for inspiration, thoughts to reflect upon and often a good drool.

Home

We left on the 15th for my brother & sister-in-law's with the plan of hanging out, shopping in the big city, and eating in the big city until my Dad returned on the 18th. Then we would travel home on the 19th. As we headed out the door we got word that he would be in on the 16th! That was an amazing surprise. It gave us 2 more days with him. And we still got to eat and eat and eat and eat in the big city.

His trip went really well. Thanks to all of you who were praying for his safe return.


Waiting.















Mob hugs.

















Home.
This is one of the few shots where his eyes are open. He had been up for about 24 hours.















More pictures and more of a post up soon over at our family blog.

happy happy

"We cough because we can't help it,
but others do it on purpose."
~ Mignon McLaughlin

So many of the people I love are sick. I know it doesn't seem like it now but, you will get better.


We are better here. Mostly. And gearing up for a trip to Virginia where we will be welcoming home my dad! This time next week and he will have been home for two days. The girls are beside themselves with excitement. Not only is PopPop coming home but they will be spending 4 days with their beloved cousin. There isn't much normalcy around here right now. Mostly a lot of spinning about like tops. And add to it all a snow day. Oh, and Valentine's Day parties tomorrow. Can this week get any better?

In which we find Quotations about Feeling Terrible, Sad and Pathetic

" 'And how are you?' said Winnie-the-Pooh. Eeyore shook his head from side to side. 'Not very how,' he said. 'I don't seem to have felt at all how for a long time.' " - A.A. Milne ~ Winnie-the-Pooh

I just got a nudge from Anna, she commented on my last post and began it with, "I think this blog post has been up long enough for table talk...."

Well, Anna. I sat down here yesterday and only managed to read a couple of posts and comment on one, on your blog. Then the earth opened and swallowed me whole.

Actually, it all began 10 days ago on Jan. 27. Early that morning, both daughters 1 and 3 were looking quite peaked and one eventually began a fever, then the other. We couldn't have known it then but it takes about 5-7 days for this to run it course. In the coming days we fell, one by one. The smallest was the next to fall. "My eyeballs hwrt, momma." Then daughter 2 and I found ourselves sprawled on the living room couches this past Friday. My Sweetie seemed unscathed until last night. Poor guy has been trying to keep up with work, take care of us and all of this on very little sleep. He's off working today and we are praying that he will be spared the worst.

This has been unlike any flu I've ever had. On Friday I could only lay on the couch and grunt at the kids. Sometimes I could wiggle a finger for emphasis. It felt as if I was giving a fat man a ride on my shoulders. And I was lying down. Once the fat man left it was like something evil was trying to escape from my insides and wanted to go through my back and shoulders. Sunday was better. I really thought I was on the mend. Monday the fat man was back and this time he was plugging my nose as he rode. I hate mouth-breathing and I'm such a wuss. By Monday night I just wanted to die. I was a mess of chills, aches, congestion and had jello for muscles. Tears of self-pity really don't help the whole congestion thing, ya know. This morning was better. The fat man was gone and I could breathe a little better but a crippling headache had been brewing. Thankfully, I was able to sleep a little this morning while PBS babysat so the headache is gone. I really do feel as if I'm getting better. I was able to make lunch without wanting to curl up on the kitchen floor. Progress.

I'd love to draw some wonderful spiritual analogy or share some snippet of insight that I gained through all of this. I got nothin'. Perhaps He will enlighten me upon a more distant reflection. I'll have to leave that up to Him because for now this is going down in family history as 10+ days of misery and it ain't over yet.

Oh, I would be remiss if I didn't share a few rays of sunshine through this whole ordeal. My friend Ruth called yesterday and said, "Can I bring you dinner?" Um, YES. I hung up my phone and cried. And, on very many of these days I had committed my time to my friend, Tiff, for babysitting. She has been so gracious and so flexible. More crying. At the beginning of the last 10 days my mom was here and kept me company. And yesterday she brought us some groceries. Chicken noodle soup even. :0) Thanks, Mom.

"...Piglet explained to Tigger that he mustn't mind what Eeyore said because he was always gloomy; and Eeyore explained to Piglet that, on the contrary, he was feeling particularly cheerful this morning."
- A.A. Milne ~ The House at Pooh Corner