on relationship, fellowship, confession and forgiveness

I have been so refreshed and encouraged by a one-to-one discipleship guide that our church will be using. Our other pastor's wife and myself have been going through it together. The segments are titled: Assurance of Salvation, Experiencing God's Love, Holy Spirit, and Growing in Christ.

I'm one of those people who really responds to having things clearly mapped-out. Lists. This+this=this which means this. You get the picture. There is much in this study that I had learned as a young believer. But through the years I have adopted a lot of fuzzy thinking. Areas where I understood the concept but not in a way that I could articulate or support it clearly through God's word. Not that the support wasn't there...it is! I just never bothered to search for it and allow the Holy Spirit to help me put the pieces together. Here are some examples.

My relationship vs. my fellowship with God. They aren't the same thing. Yet, up to this point, I would use the word relationship to describe both! Fuzzy for me. Confusing at best for anyone in a conversation with me pertaining to this subject! My relationship with God as His daughter is completely and totally maintained by Him. (John 1:12, John 10:27-29, I Peter 1:3,4) My fellowship with God began when I accepted Him, is maintained in part by me and can change depending on me. (Colossians 2:6, Psalm 66:16-20, I John 1:9) Funny how just clearly defining two words brings things into focus.

Asking forgiveness vs. confession. They aren't the same thing either! Confession is me agreeing with God about my sin; saying the same thing God says. (I John 1:9) Forgiveness is what Christ did for me on the cross. It is already done. (Colossians 2:13,14) And if you need a 'with-skin-on-it' example of how asking for forgiveness is not the same thing as confession let me remind you of something I'm sure you have witnessed and most of us have taken part in!

Daughter #3 injures, on purpose, daughter #1.
Me to Daughter #1: "That was mean and hurtful, you need to make this right with your sister!"
Daughter #3 to Daughter #1: begrudgingly "sorry."

Did she mean it? Hardly. Did she agree that her actions where mean and hurtful? Maybe. But, as a mom I can say, she most likely was sorry that she got caught or in trouble. This sharpened view of forgiveness and confession reinforces the countless times I've asked my girls, "Why are you sorry? What did you do that was wrong? or How do you think she felt when you did that?"

On one hand it has been exciting to have God clear out the cobwebs and make these simple truths more clear to me. On the other hand, it was really humbling to sketch it out here because I feel like, "...for-goodness-sakes I should'da had a better grip on this all along!" But overall I'm thankful. Thankful that He is longsuffering toward me. Oh!...how He has patiently labored for and with me! And, being the greatest teacher, He knows that sometimes we need to hear things over and over and in different ways so that they really sink in.

Having a fresh, and more complete understanding of these foundations of my faith breathes confidence and strength into my desire to love others as God loves them.

Why my lips stayed chapped on Mother's Day

Betsy, a friend from OH and one of my favorite people, sent this to me. The author is unknown. It made me laugh OUT LOUD! So...thought I'd say "Happy Mother's Day" to you all by passing it along here.

So, we had this great 10 year old cat named Jack who just recently died. Jack was a great cat and the kids would carry him around and sit on him and nothing ever bothered him. He used to hang out and nap all day long on this mat in our bathroom.

Well we have 3 kids and at the time of this story they were 4 years old, 3 years old and 1 year old. The middle one is Eli. Eli really loves chapstick. LOVES it. He kept asking to use my chapstick and then losing it. So finally one day I showed him where in the bathroom I keep my chapstick and how he could use it whenever he wanted to but he needed to put it right back in the drawer when he was done.

Last year on Mother's Day, we were having the typical rush around and try to get ready for Church with everyone crying and carrying on. My two boys are fighting over the toy in the cereal box. I am trying to nurse my little one at the same time I am putting on my make-up. Everything is a mess and everyone has long forgotten that this is a wonderful day to honor me and the amazing job that is motherhood.

We finally have the older one and and the baby loaded in the car and I am looking for Eli. I have searched everywhere and I finally round the corner to go into the bathroom. And there was Eli. He was applying my chapstick very carefully to Jack's . . . rear end. Eli looked right into my eyes and said "chapped." Now if you have a cat, you know that he is right--their little butts do look pretty chapped. And, frankly, Jack didn't seem to mind.

And the only question to really ask at that point was whether it was the FIRST time Eli had done that to the cat's behind or the hundredth.

And THAT is my favorite Mother's Day moment ever because it reminds us that no matter how hard we try to civilize these glorious little creatures, there will always be that day when you realize they've been using your chapstick on the cat's butt.

A Surprise Valentine

The string of beautiful weather is just too much for me...I can hardly stay indoors! My guess is that some of my favorite bloggers are also giving in to the call of the breezy sunshine. I have a feeling that if I'm able to sustain this blog, there will be less posting throughout the warmer months! Having a real yard for the first time in a long time has me planning and imagining great things growing all around the house. Never mind that I can't keep a cactus - potted and sitting in my kitchen window where I see it every day - alive. I think the self-deception began as I cooed over my crocuses, daffodils, tulips and forsythia, as if I had something to do with their successful trumpeting of spring.

See...it's dark now but I'm still 'outside' chasing rabbits before saying what I sat down to say!

I was reading through a journal that I began more than 2 years ago. A friend and counselor suggested that I keep a section for "Insights & Gifts" and here is an entry.

This happened several months before I began this journal. I had been asking God to help me in my search for an intimate relationship with Him. I want to understand, believe, trust His love for me.

I was thinking/praying about this as I was in bed one night. It was dark. I had my eyes shut. As I thought and prayed I could see a small shape in the center of the blackness. My eyes stayed shut. I squeezed them shut tighter and almost laughed. I felt like a little kid. I really wanted to see what that shape was because it seemed like a....a heart. I "looked" longer and yes, that is what it was. A small white heart in the center of the darkness.

I felt a little silly but I also felt as if God had sent me that little vision as if to say, "I love you." When I told Clinton about it he said, "Oh, God sent you a valentine!" I can't say that it helped me "understand, believe, trust His love for me," but it was so evident at that moment that He loves me, lives in me and wants to communicate with me...meeting me where I am. Thank you, Jesus.

Even finding this in my journal felt like a love-note from Him tonight. I was flying solo with the 4 girls tonight. (ages 2-9 for those wondering) In the 4 hours between when he left and I had them all tucked into bed I had struggled with frustration, fatigue, and fuming fury. Through clenched teeth I hissed commands and scoldings. All the while wishing bed-time would hurry up and get here!

I'm not sure why I seemed to have No. Patience. What. So. Ever. All I know is that I felt broken. As in not working properly. In the past, when I would fail, I would feel as if God was so disappointed in me. I would think that I wouldn't blame Him for withholding at least some of His love for me. I don't think I actually thought it out...it was more just understood and then expressed in how I behaved toward Him.

Now that He has replaced my ignorance with His truth I know this isn't so. Nothing I do or don't do will change how much He loves me. And He reminded me of this as I read my journal. It was like finding a beautiful card with an equally beautiful sentiment inside sent by a friend. The kind you keep tucked away in a drawer or a box so that when you happen upon it again you can feel so loved over and over. And, flipping through my journal reminded me of where I was and where I am now. What He has done. His faithfulness. He has drawn me closer to Himself.

I will need to apologize to my kids too....It is easier to do that when I have been forgiven first by the lover of my soul.

sharing...

...some thoughts prompted on Sunday and still pondering in my heart today.

Psalm 90:14 Satisfy me [us] in the morning with your unfailing love,
that I [we] may sing for joy and be glad all my [our] days.

From my notes: ...Let God love-on me every morning. My cup will be filled and then I'm freed-up to love others who don't love me in return! We can love people who give us nothing because God give us everything!

Romans 5:5 And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.

And hope does not disappoint...I'm having to really think on this one but it is so encouraging! Sometimes I wrestle with the whole thought of God's sovereignty vs. my 'hope.' Hope sometimes doesn't feel like it matters...if I'm hoping against what God has planned in His authority...and I don't always know what He has planned! But then He leads me to these verses...

Psalm 51:10 Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.

Ezekiel 36:26-27, 36 And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. 27And I will put my Spirit within you, and cause you to walk in my statutes and be careful to obey my rules. 36Then the nations that are left all around you shall know that I am the LORD; I have rebuilt the ruined places and replanted that which was desolate. I am the LORD; I have spoken, and I will do it.

When we give ourselves to Him, He gives us His spirit and a new heart! And as we let Him fill us up (see Rom. 5:5 again!) we get a better understanding of His heart. We get in-step with Him and He rebuilds the ruined places, grows beautiful gardens where there was only desolate ground. He says, "I have spoken, and I will do it!" (Do I believe Him...and do I behave as if I believe Him?) So, my hopes begin to line up with His will...His plan...His heart. Of course, this doesn't mean much until I accept His never-fail, unconditional love for me first!

He is so faithful...God continues to show Himself faithful over and over and He doesn't have to! I just need to praise Him for that!

I'd love to hear your take on any of this...

Bloggers who make me think...

Ok...this felt a little like homework...but I did it anyway!

Here are my "5 Blogs that make me think!"

1. Tami at livingpalm. She introduced me to blogging and I wouldn't have become hooked if it weren't for her well written posts that come from deep thinking, honesty, and real gut-check writing. But don't worry, it isn't all 'heavy.' It's often humorous and informative. Hop on over and check it out!

2. My very dear friend, Kerry, shares her heart as she serves with her family in Malaysia at Rich & Kerry's Blog. I'm giving her the Thinking Blogger Award for her more recent posts where she has shared personal insights about her family's experiences while drawing strong parallels to her walk of faith. They have challenged me and really....well...made me think!

3. Zephaniah317 at God Is A Warrior is a new blogger-friend. I've appreciated his honesty. He shares what God is teaching him in a real what-you-read-is-what-you-get kind of way. His posts often get me thinking and digging into God's word.

The only reason I hesitate over the last two is because they have been given the award before and one gave the award to me! But, as I stated in my last post, I don't read very many blogs...maybe because the ones I do read are so good!

So...

4. Writer, Ann Kroeker who I know has been given the award before, makes me think in many different ways. We are both mothers with 4 kids and she has lots of good ideas for families our size. She has called her blog "zig-zaggy" and that is one of the reasons why I keep reading...something new all the time...and always very well written!

5. And last but not least - Karen Hossink at Surviving Motherhood. She has been so friendly and kindly introduced herself to me through our blogs not long ago. Her screen name is Irritable Mother. I knew right away - we are kindred spirits. I'm learning so much as she shares the ways God is making her more set-apart, more His through her mothering...and less irritable! And lest you think we are members of the Mutual Admiration Society I must say that regardless of who gave the award to me...I would still be giving this to Karen!

Award Recipients: You can go to this post at the thinking blog to read the exact origin and participation rules for the Thinking Blogger Award. If you wish, you can copy the award icon from there or from my site.

I'm excited to introduce my reader-friends to these great blogs...and great people!

Happy clicking!

Thinking Blogger Award!

Wow! I've never been nominated for anything before! Well, that isn't completely true. I think I was "nominated" to be president of an organization in college but it was more like the out-going leadership said, "uhh...there isn't anyone else who wants this position...you seem like the take-charge-sort...we nominate you." So, you guessed it, I was the reluctant leader for a year.

Ok...all that really has nothing to do with this. I guess I was just going for all-out honesty. And I can honestly say that I've not been blessed with anything such as this! Karen from Surviving Motherhood has graciously and kindly given me the Thinking Blogger Award. You can read more about that here.

There have been so many blessings that were unforeseen when I began this blog not so very long ago! I've been encouraged and stretched by much of what/who I've encountered. During the first month or so of my own blogging I was clueless about this whole mommy-blogger world that seems to be happily inhabited by so many interesting and funny women. I stumbled upon one...then clicked on another...which led to another. I've not been able to continue reading very many. For me, blogging and reading blogs needs to stay second...third...fourth...eleventh in our family of 6. So, I will do my best to fulfill my duty and nominate 5 other blogs that I've visited more than once, that make me think! But for now, I will just say thank you again, Karen. It was a huge bright spot in my week!

For those of you who may be new to my blog...(there may be a couple new faces due to Karen's recognition and then there was my friend, HipGranny, who had me announce my address in Sunday School this past week! All those in support of HipGranny beginning a blog too - say so in the comments! I know she is on the edge...she just needs a little shove!)

....It is a place for me to dump out, in a more public and interactive way, some of what God is teaching me and how He is changing me. His irrational love for me and His call for me to love others irrationally has been at the root of His teaching and pruning in my life over the last few years. Hence the name and the direction of my blog. However, I reserve the right to take a rabbit trail every once in a while and if you read back through my posts/archives, you'll find a few of those. Comments are very welcome and you can comment on old posts too because I'll get a little e-mail alert telling me to go look!

Thanks to my tens of readers for stopping by once again and to any fresh faces - please come walk along with me again as you are able!

pointing in the right direction

I've been struggling with some circumstances lately and in turn struggling with someone who is attached to those circumstances. It is nothing I would want to or could post about here. And, even if I did, I wouldn't be pointing in the right direction. I would be pointing to my circumstances rather than the One who is in control of them - the One I am to respond to with honor.

My new friend, Karen/irritable mother, from Surviving Motherhood left me an encouraging comment on the last post. Here was what she shared with me: Being Real

The whole post was helpful to me but the very last statement is what the Holy Spirit has been posting on the billboards in my head ever since I read it, "...I can be an encourager. I don’t need to point to my circumstance. I can point to Jesus!!!"

Then the topic in Sunday school this past week built on this for me. That is what I hope to share more about sooner rather than much later. The questions He keeps asking me are "How are you going to respond to Me - show others Me in you - how will My Name be glorified through all of this?"

"...All of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, because,

'God opposes the proud

but gives grace to the humble.'

Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that He may lift you up in due time." - I Peter 5:5b-6 NIV(click for multiple translations)


I want God fighting for me...not opposing me!